Dissecting Michael Medved's 'Gay Marriage Myths and Truths

So my girlfriend brought home an article today, it was handed out in her human sexuality class and after reading it i decided to give it a go over. It was written by Michael Medved, conservative pundit and friend of Mr. Rush Limbaugh...



I think I'll handle this in the same manner I handled the article that got me fired. I'll simply go line by lie...sorry, line, and counter his statements with what I hope resemble well reasoned responses. You know, I'll use facts to parry deceits. I suppose it will be necessary to let you know when I'm speaking, I'll use brackets and italics, keep an eye open. I'll also try to minimize the use of image macros, unless it's really funny or important. Now that I've backed my readers into a TL;DR situation I'll begin.

Michale Medved
GAY MARRIAGE Myths and Truths

The decision by federal judge Vaughan Walker to invalidate California’s Proposition 8 both recycles and revives some of the tired, misleading clichés regarding the same sex marriage controversy. These distortions demand direct, concise correction and rebuttal.

(I'll start really early by pointing out that the above statement is kind of crass. I mean of course we're going to have to debate the issue some more, especially with the same arguments we used before, because largely those arguments were correct, it was Medved's side where the arguments were completely crazy. For example the argument that by enacting Prop 8 we have saved school children from getting gayed up by being taught about gay marriages. You know, that part of the marriage equality act that doesn't exist, also, I would like to remind everyone that having not entirely that long ago graduated from a public school system I do not recall taking the "Same Sex Marriage" class, the one that teaches students all about marriage. Or how about the way all of the pro arguments are couched in defenses of marriage and its sanctity, which automatically defines them as religious arguments, which on principle should undermine the argument to begin with because it means that no marriage should be recognized by the state to prevent the state from sullying its hands with religion.)

1. “Proposition 8 was a mean-spirited ban on gay marriage.”

TRUTH: Proposition 8 banned nothing.

(except the ability of same sex couples to marry in the eyes of the state...you know...the entity that recognizes the coupling allowing them to have the following...

Tax Benefits

• Filing joint income tax returns with the IRS and state taxing authorities.
• Creating a "family partnership" under federal tax laws, which allows you to divide business income among family members.

Estate Planning Benefits

• Inheriting a share of your spouse's estate.
• Receiving an exemption from both estate taxes and gift taxes for all property you give or leave to your spouse.
• Creating life estate trusts that are restricted to married couples, including QTIPs, QDOT trusts, and marital deduction trusts.
• Obtaining priority if a conservator needs to be appointed for your spouse -- that is, someone to make financial and/or medical decisions on your spouse's behalf.

Government Benefits

• Receiving social security, medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
• Receiving veterans' and military benefits for spouses, such as those for education, medical care, or special loans.
• Receiving public assistance benefits.

Employment Benefits

• Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse's employer.
• Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
• Receiving wages, workers' compensation, and retirement plan benefits for a deceased spouse.
• Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse's close relatives dies.

Medical Benefits

• Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
• Making medical decisions for your spouse if he or she becomes incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.

Death Benefits

• Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures.
• Making burial or other final arrangements.

Family Benefits

• Filing for stepparent or joint adoption.
• Applying for joint foster rights rights.
• Receiving equitable division of property if you divorce.
• Receiving spousal or child support, child custody, and visitation if you divorce.

Housing Benefits

• Living in neighborhoods zoned for "families only."
• Automatically renewing leases signed by your spouse.

Consumer Benefits

• Receiving family rates for health, homeowners', auto, and other types of insurance.
• Receiving tuition discounts and permission to use school facilities.
• Other consumer discounts and incentives offered only to married couples or families.

Other Legal Benefits and Protections

• Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium(loss of intimacy).
• Suing a third person for offenses that interfere with the success of your marriage, such as alienation of affection and criminal conversation (these laws are available in only a few states).
• Claiming the marital communications privilege, which means a court can't force you to disclose the contents of confidential communications between you and your spouse during your marriage.
• Receiving crime victims' recovery benefits if your spouse is the victim of a crime.
• Obtaining immigration and residency benefits for noncitizen spouse.
• Visiting rights in jails and other places where visitors are restricted to immediate family.

except for federal stuff, which doesn't apply because the federal government doesn't bestow rights on same sex unions. It's more like stuff your specific state allows)

The ubiquitous headlines describing this voter-mandated change in the California constitution as a “gay marriage ban” amount to the worst example of journalistic malpractice in recent years. The entire proposition consisted of only fourteen words: “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” This simple statement imposes no restrictions and issues no commands regarding the behavior of private citizens: it merely demands a change in the actions of government. (So precisely how does saying that not simultaneously mean that gay marriage is banned? Is it like this...

Marriage is only valid if between A and B. What about Marriage between A and A? That is not valid, only A and B. So can A and A get married, can they have the same privileges as A and B? No, that is not valid. Isn't that then a ban and limitation of rights? No, because it is not. Why? Because.) Proposition 8 did nothing to interfere with gay couples in registering for state-recognized civil unions, participating in church or civil ceremonies consecrating their love, forming life-time commitments, raising children, or concluding comprehensive contractual arrangements to share all aspects of life and property. (Sticky wicket that. You see a civil union and a marriage are two entirely separate things. A civil union is not recognized outside the borders of the state it's in and doesn't guarantee all the rights offered by marriage. By suggesting that homosexuals have the right to civil unions but not marriage is to say that these two concepts are separate but equal, which is not true. The two ideas, Marriage and Civil Unions are separate but unequal, and thus unfair and runs counter to the U.S. constitution) The proposition simply says that government will not get involved in any of these private or public processes by calling such relationships a marriage.

2. “Proposition 8 singled out gays and lesbians for discriminatory treatment.”

TRUTH: The proposition never mentioned gays, lesbians or any other individuals, whatever their sexual orientation. (Well, I guess you got me there, it didn't say any of that...but I did notice that it blocks out a swathe of people...a rather substantial swathe of people, what like 10% of the population? That's cool right, by not using their name or title it's not like you're preventing them from doing something? Right?) It didn’t discriminate among individuals; it drew distinctions among relationships. Under the proposition, a gay male and a straight male would face exactly the same options in marriage—free to choose any woman who is not already married or a blood relative. The fact that the gay man won’t want to marry any of the women available to him doesn’t change the fact that he and his straight neighbor face precisely the same opportunities and restrictions in their marital choices. (I really am flummoxed by the previous statement, I mean it reads like something a crazy person would write. So, marriage can only be between a man and a woman, and all rights and privileges are reserved for those people I.E. straight people. A gay man has the right to marry a woman, and experience all the rights and privileges of marriage...the bond of deep love and commitment that it means. Oh wait! That's right, marriage isn't just the rights and contractual crap it's also the symbolic union of two people who love and care for each other, so by limiting the definition of marriage to a man and woman's union you aren't totally obstructing the ability of gays to have same union to honor their love. Seriously, you are effectively invalidating the concept of love in a marriage, it is a cold contract between two people, so why don't I marry one of your relatives Michael? I'll marry her right the hell up, because I love social contracts, what's that? No I don't love them, I'm just exercising my right to marry lovelessly. The main problem is that many of these pundits and the followers of this law and line of thinking do not regard homosexuals as being any different than straight people. A gay person simply feels compelled to make their life infinitely more difficult for themselves, it's not as though science has shown that a heterosexual person and a homosexual person are fundamentally different in their biology and brain activity. Nah, they are just really dedicated to going against the grain.)

3. ”Failure to sanction gay marriage is based on the assumption that “same sex couples simply are not as good as opposite sex couples.” (This language appears verbatim in the judge’s decision).

TRUTH: Opposition to government sanction of gay marriages isn’t based on the notion that opposite sex couples are “better,” but on the idea that they are more consequential, and serve an important social purpose more effectively. Laws in every state recognize the desirability that children should be raised by their biological parents, wherever possible. (So foster parents are completely inferior, why not make adoption illegal if biological parents are the standard by which all children should be raised, hell if the biological parents are deficient in their parenting kill the child. It will be better off dead than in an inferior home setting with two other straight people.) This is based on the universal, common sense assumption that a child generally will fare best if it is raised by both its birth mother and birth father. (Single parents should also be banned...and shot...for failing to be better at marriage, don't look at me like that, marriage is the cornerstone of civilization, not grain or animal husbandry.)

Laws on divorce, child custody, adoption and foster-parenting all display this general preference for birth parents to involve themselves in a child’s life. Traditional opposite sex marriage generally produces a situation where both birth parents will participate in parenting – and this shared responsibility even survives divorce in most cases. (He's got me there, homosexuals can't work together in the common interest of anyone or anything that isn't fabulous.) There is no chance--none—that a same sex marriage can produce a child who will be raised by both birth parents. This doesn’t make that same sex marriage hateful or immoral, but it does make it somewhat less desirable and less significant for society. (Wait, so now marriage is about babies, we need a ton of them, to beat China! So it's not about the individual rights awarded to married couples, you know like being allowed to see loved ones in the hospital and shit like that. Marriage is all about babies. So what about all those people who marry who either don't want children or are otherwise incapable of having them? Shouldn't they also be blocked from marrying because the whole essence of marriage is for procreation? I mean if you're defining marriage as a government contract for baby manufacturing wouldn't it make sense to get rid of all those people milking the system for rights that they don't deserve because they aren't contributing to the overpopulation of the planet?)

4. “Recognizing gay marriage would do nothing to harm existing opposite sex marriages.”

TRUTH: The problem with government endorsement of same sex marriage isn’t damage it would do to current heterosexual couples, but the profound change it would bring to the institution of marriage itself. In every civilization known to historians and anthropologists, marriage involves the union of man and woman—and the recognition that combining the two genders produces a durable unit that is very different from any all-male or all-female combination. The argument for gay marriage depends on the discredited and destructive idea that men and women are identical—that your marriage will be the same whether you select a male or female partner. Gay marriage also separates the institution of marriage from the process of childbearing, at a time when we need to reaffirm that children fare best within a marriage, and marriage becomes more significant when it produces children.(Soooooo...I don't quite follow. The above argument is valid, it wouldn't harm same sex unions, it would not produce offspring of those unions and would not prevent his preferred union from occurring. All your doing is again suggesting that marriage is exclusively to create children, which it is not and that is not the contract that people go into for marriage in the U.S., Michael, seriously, you aren't countering the statement, you are only telling me that in ancient civilizations people would marry and have kids. In ancient civilizations I would also kill black cats because they were witches and scream at eclipses because a giant snake was eating the moon. You know why these things don't really happen so much anymore, it's called science and advances in civilization, clinging to old world ideals wont make science go away...it wont bring back your dead father Michael, let him go, he would have wanted it this way! Let science heal you...with gayness.)

5. “Denying marriage rights to same sex couples is the equivalent of denying marriage rights to inter-racial couples before 1967.”

TRUTH: The old and hateful laws barring interracial marriage directly discriminated against individuals based on their race—a discrimination explicitly prohibited by the Constitution. The language of the Constitution never mentions (or even hints at) similar protection for sexual orientation. (In the same way it doesn't explicitly say we can't have slaves, because back then blacks weren't people. You know it's kind of funny it's almost as though modern society is accepting that there is this whole other 'race' of people...homosexual people. But this 'race' of people shouldn't be accepted, because they will rub off on us, then we'll all be gay and God will hate us, because that's how God rolls...arbitrarily and without accounting for biological precedents uncontrollable by the individual. Let me just say that this sadly forces me to say that homosexuality is kind of proof that the old testament view of God is invalid, or rather that that God can't exist and be considered just. I mean why would God give people free will, and then have these people be genetically incapable of feeling differently than they do, thus damning them for eternity for being born differently. So either God is wrong, or the book is wrong, and if the book is wrong what is your moral code based on?) Before Loving v. Virginia struck down the evil anti-miscegenation laws, such legislation treated a black man and a white man completely differently: the African-American couldn’t marry a white woman, but the white guy could. As noted above, under Proposition 8 a lesbian woman got exactly the same marriage options as a heterosexual woman; there was no potential mate that the straight woman could choose, but the gay woman couldn’t.( This shit again? Jesus.)

6. “Any gay marriage ban is an invasion of privacy.”

TRUTH: Actually, opposition to gay marriage involves the defense of privacy from governmental intrusion, not any sort of intimate assault. The drive to mandate gay marriage demands a vast expansion of governmental involvement into same sex relationships – relationships in which the right bureaucratic policy would be strict neutrality. Proposition 8 mandated no change in private relationships and only an alteration in public policy.(This section is kind of a moot point and really ties back into the whole 'gays aren't afforded the same rights as everyone else.)

7. “Governmental recognition for gay marriage is necessary to end oppression of gay people.”

TRUTH: All Studies and surveys indicate that gay people in America hardly constitute an oppressed minority; on average, they enjoy higher levels of education and income than the heterosexual majority. (But they are blocked from a fundamental privilege all other U.S. citizens enjoy. Also the points you are making don't really reflect the reality of the situation, so a slightly higher percentage of gays are better educated? So? What about the social stigma and hate crimes perpetrated against them? Michael, being a straight man have you ever had a group of people call you a 'not fag' and push you to the ground? Can your sexual orientation be used as a slur? I didn't think so Michael, but you're right, gays totally rule us and we need to hold onto marriage to stave off the gayification of all we hold dear.) Even in the federal trial just concluded, the plaintiffs’ attorneys presented abundant evidence of the remarkable success and eminence of homosexual couples in the United States. (Wait, so they work well together and are successful... but before you were saying they were inferior to hetero couplings? Make up your mind! Are they bad for children and society or are they successful and competent?) The undeniable fact that gay people have achieved these personal and communal victories even without gay marriage, is an indication that the traditionally privileged position for heterosexual marriage hasn’t blocked homosexuals from successful participation in every aspect of American life.(So blacks were capable of learning to read and write as well as a number of them becoming notable in their time and respected by large portions of the nation, whilst simultaneously being barred from voting and going to white schools? Why don't we just ditch those laws giving them rights, women and people who don't own land too, because all of these groups have been successful without overtly using these rights afforded them. It will unclutter our law books if we cut back on peoples rights.)

With Judge Walker’s decision, the debate about re-defining marriage will once again intensify as the case works its way through the system to the Supreme Court of the United States. No effort at logical argument can halt the hysterical distortions that erupt periodically on both sides but the integrity of public discourse requires at least an honest attempt to clear away mistakes, irrational claims and outright smears. (which is exactly why I need to remind you to shut up, because you aren't helping the discourse by obfuscating facts with excuses for bad behavior.)

So that's it, that is Mr. Medved's argument in favor of blocking gays from marrying...stuff...stuff that doesn't make sense nor really applies to the argument at hand. Thank you Medved, for unclearing everything up, and thank you human sexuality teacher for just not getting it either.

Also, for good measure...this is a Nicolas Rage moment...

Other Stories...

So on my way home today from my friends cabin I listened to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, notably the opening them from Fellowship, 'The Shire.' I always really liked that tune, but driving along made me miss the drives Jenn and I would take in Texas. There is something very relaxing about the area she lives in, just rolling hillocks and trees. Lakes skirting the road, a calm on everything, when you go outside it's so quiet, though there is an airport not too far away so you hear those quite a bit. Holding Jenn's hand while we drive reminds me of what I have and the potential for what I have yet to do.

Weather in Texas is intriguing, namely the incredible heat mixed in with lightning storms. Because I could very well count the number of times I've experienced lightning in Ventura on my fingers and toes it is something special when it comes up. Jenn notified me that storms were approaching thanks to an iphone app, so I went to her balcony and sat down trying to gain as clear a view of the horizon as possible. Over the apartments, beyond the trees and too far to see there was a flash of flickering gold light. I watched the flickers and flashes steadily approach, giddy to see a bolt, as Jenn grew more and more uncomfortable with the sprinkling of rain that had started to kick onto the covered space. Just like in Portland I heard a steady growl, and saw what appeared to be a mist approaching. Instead a wall of rain swept over everything filling the garden below shin deep in water in an instant. The thunder was drawing closer until finally a towering vine of electricity struck behind the apartment building in front of us. It was hundreds of feet high and almost as soon as it flashed there came a crackling boom of the thunder, so loud it felt like the end of the world. I was completely terrified, it was so loud and so close and seemed so menacing but I could hardly pull myself away from sitting out there, exposed to see more. Jenn went back inside quickly, to take a shower, and with a good cover I returned too and sat on the bed looking out the window as the cracks and booms echoed all around shaking the pictures on the walls and bric-a-brac on the shelves. I could have curled up and gone to sleep right there it was so nice.

I miss Texas now, it was familiar, yet very different. Certainly not like people expect, no cowboys walking with bow legs, Chuck Norris doesn't greet you at the terminal when you get off a plane. There aren't so many racists or republicans, then again when you're raised in a conservative stronghold county like Ventura I suppose it's tricky to perceive such differences. I miss the big skies, the rolling clouds that seem to tower into space, the clear night sky and fresh smelling air. I miss the shower, the bed and the reclining couch. I miss the new friends I made, and the places we'd congregate. I miss my girlfriend and holding her hand.

Hole In My Heart: A Story of Texas

We'll take a break from the history for a while and do a standard kind of blog, a blog about things and places and people. For starters the name of the blog post comes from a great song by Cyndi Lauper, from an equally great movie called Vibes. I recommend it, because it brings the funny...and the 80's. As for the other part of the blog post title I figure that is self explanatory, it's about a trip to Texas I just took.

Texas is of course the second largest state in the Union, with a history of struggle against whomever it happened to be under at the time. Oddly its name means 'Ally' or 'Friend' in the Caddo language, which implies that Texas actively seeks out allies, then once in the fold goes all independent. I guess then it would be àpropos that I didn't just visit but intend on moving there, it will be like most of my jobs, I'll mesh well, then go all independent, while it tries to go independent from me. We may actually nullify each other.

The reason behind the trip was so I could reunite with my lost love, get a feel for the area, and plot a possible move. I had purchased my tickets and all seemed in good order, until I received a phone call at two in the morning.

"This is American Airlines automated service, we're calling to notify you that your flight at 8:15 AM on June 11 has been canceled and you have been auto rescheduled to a flight on June 12th at 6:30 PM." Responding to this was difficult as I had just crawled into bed after hanging out with my chum Owen and Chum-ette Veronica. I was certainly shocked however, still listening in shock as my brain tried to recalculate the details of my departure. "If you consent to this departure time state 'I consent.' If you would like to speak to a representative wait on the line." I quickly stifled a stream of profanities out of the fear that one of them would sound like acquiescence, fumbling for a pen I suddenly heard an exhausted voice on the other end of the line.

"Thank you for choosing American Airlines, my name is Carol, how may I help you." I was amazed, they staffed people at this hour, they actually had what appeared to be a 24 hour phone service. That's the thing with airlines, they're the only 'flying' show in town, they can do whatever they damn well please. After a quick explanation that they had canceled my flight a few hours before departure I requested a flight earlier than the following day. I got my wish, one hour earlier, however this was the only available flight, and now I was in a pickle.

I had asked a friend to drive me to the airport, but the hour was far to early/late to notify him of the change in scheduling, and besides him I had no friends in the city, certainly not any who would drive me to LAX at such an ungodly hour. I had to quickly call all the various airporters in the area, finding that most had regular business hours of operation and were completely unreachable at that hour. Finally I found one company that was still available and I got my transportation arranged.

Obviously I made it to the airport and then subsequently had to endure all the regular bullshit associated with modern flight in this POST 9/11 WORLD! But when I landed I was off on an adventure of discovery in the large...large...LARGE, flat, state of Texas.

Alright, here's the deal, when you're flying into Dallas/Fort Worth Airport you are flying over Grapevine, Texas. The most striking thing in the landscape aside from the lakes everywhere is the Gaylord hotel, which houses an impressive ice sculpture collection during Christmas time. This photo however is of the more visually noticeable hotel down the road from my girlfriend Jenn's apartment. This is the Great Wolf Lodge, and it seemed that every time I turned a corner there were those four wolves all standing around looking...large. It really was an impressive looking place, it had an attached water park, and in fact this photo comes from a theme park website. The water park had one of those massive funnels that ejects families in tubes into a spinning cauldron of hydration. It reminded me of the Happy Gargler from Happy World Land in Tiny Toons: How I spent My Summer Vacation.

To put it mildly my time in Texas was simply grand, primarily because I found a place with temperatures to my liking. From when I arrived to when I left the temperature never descended below 80 degrees, but even better than that the humidity never dropped below 1,010%, it was like swimming in air...hot fucking jungle air, and I was so warm...so warm and comfortable...like an air blanket. Just as good as this was that Texas mandates that apartments have AC, and I discovered that Jenn's preferred temperature is somewhere in the mid 70's, warm enough that i don't need blankets at night, but cool enough that I feel refreshed when I've spent an afternoon in the 96 degree humidity.

The first order of business however was getting food, which necessitated a trip to Jenn's favorite sushi restaurant in the area. The name I think was Edohana, which presumably means 'Flower of Edo.' I took Jenn's advice and tried the much talked about 'Temptation Roll,' which was stupid delicious, like some kind of flavor Tyrannosaurus. I suppose the story of my time in Texas was simpler than that however since it's more about the people I met and the area I was in.

Texas is vast and winding, so much so that I was always confounded by the placement of roads and where I was in relation to where I was going. Part of the problem was that you couldn't go six feet without tripping over a lake, and there were only a handful of shopping or residential areas. The land is made of red clay and deep green grass, powdery dirt lines the side of the road and the sky is larger than the ground underfoot. Your uninterrupted line of sight is not to the horizon but always somewhere short of that, sometimes it seems like you can only see a footballs filed length ahead of you. These however aren't rolling hills but rather some kind of optical illusion, cresting one hill provides no superior view of another, instead you see another football fields length ahead.

Towns crop up everywhere, distinguished by water towers. As you drive you will invariably see four or five different water towers, each with the name of the town it resides in, beyond that there is no sense of entering or leaving one area or the next. The drives however can be very impressive as you cruise along two lane roads towards another town, cattle lining the road and clouds all over.

Animals in Texas are different as well. It seemed that every few blocks there was a small ranch or farm, with long horn cattle and black and white cows. However the smell wasn't there, I'm used to California, where as you approach a dairy farm or cattle ranch an impenetrable smell hits you...cow shit as far as the eye can see, and miserable cows all crammed together along a feeding trough. I was so fond of the cows and steer, wandering too and fro eating at their leisure. Better yet were the alpaca farms, mixed in with the cows, or the ranches full of horses and colts all bouncing around.

Besides these animals however I was introduced to another wonder of Texas...Jurassic Park.


Yeah, just like that.

On my last Monday there (I was supposed to stay four days, but decided once I got there instead to stay three weeks) Jenn showed me a walking trail beside her apartment. Walking across the bridge, overlooking the slow moving stream and marsh we entered into a close grouping of trees and bamboo. I noticed the cottony webs of the larger than expected spiders there. As a side note I had gone to her fathers lake house during a going away for a friend of Jenn's and while out on a nearby dock I found myself surrounded by literally dozens of enormous orb weaver spiders. Their bodies were the size of a quarter, their webs strung everywhere and apparently the food supply was so low that they had begun preying one each other. It was nightmare fuel.

Back to the story, as we continued down the trail I came to a stop at the sight of a peculiar yellow leaf on the ground. To my surprise it was no leaf but instead was an enormous grasshopper! Proceeding down the trail we encountered hundreds of these grasshoppers, leaping to and fro out of our path. Overhead we were soon surrounded by over sized dragonflies of varying colors and markings. It was the god damned Jurassic in there, bugs of enormous proportions, everywhere! And snakes, and lizards!

Earlier in my stay Jenn and I had been asked to take care of her dogs, Goldie, Juliet and Jackie. Each of these dogs is adorable in its own way. Jackie, is a Jack Russel Terrier, who by all accounts is a puppy, but in truth is actually 10 or so. Juliet and Goldie, are both Golden Retrievers, with Goldie being the oldest at 13 or more. Goldie is the best because she pays close attention to me when I talk to her, unlike Jackie who shows that she understand me, but simply doesn't feel like listening. I would take them out to do their business each evening and on one of these occasions I found Jackie hassling something in the grass, I by that point was used to Jackie giving squirrels the business, but knew that any living squirrel was too fast for her. As I approached I discovered an enormous toad! Dark brown it was the size of my whole hand, it sat quietly as Jackie prodded it with her nose, not wanting such a interesting specimen to be licked I reached down and lifted it up and away replacing it where Jackie could not reach it. In the same breath i noticed on a nearby window the silhouette of a lizard, and with no small amount of interest approached what I discovered to be a GECKO! With little suction-y feet and everything! Reaching for it it took off like lightning, and somewhere behind me Jackie snickered at my failure.

Then there was the fishing! At the lake house I had an opportunity to fish, an activity I haven't done in years, and which i have never actually been successful at. This time however! Whamo! I was catching fish like a madman! My very first time lowering the bait in the water was met with an instantaneous grab by a catfish. Unfortunately for me the fish weren't big enough to warrant eating.

That's where it happened...oh yeah and that dock further out, where the zig zaggy sidewalk goes, that's where the spiders were. Don't go to the second dock.

Lord, I could go on forever about the food, the best part is that the 'Chain Restaurant' is all I really had, places like "Ritzy's", "Dicky's", and "Saltgrass." This means that there are tons of local family places that are undoubtedly even better than that. Special mention goes to Los Burros, a small Mexican restaurant that served me the best enchilada I've had...ever.

Excuse me, I need to go have words with the chef.

So, enough about all that, lets talk about the people I met? Yes? Of course!
First off...

Jenn! She was the purveyor of the good times and is also my girlfriend. Gorgeous and skilled in language (tops at grammar and capable of reading and writing French) she was the main draw of my visit. If you want to know what the second draw of my visit was it was Sonic's Drive In. I love her to pieces...millions of pieces. Also I miss her now that I'm back in Ventura.

Then there's...

Geoff Blair. It is interesting to note that Geoff is rather a lot like my other friend Brandon, mannerisms, voice, and attitudes. the major differences are that Geoff is fairly quick when it comes to the sciences, especially physics (which I'm fuzzy on) and language. I would be hard pressed to come up with a comprehensive list of the things that make Geoff awesome. Seriously, it's not even worth trying to comprehend how great this guy is.

Then of course there's...

Jess! Jess is Jenn's friend. The reason I'm so fond of Jess is that Jenn's history with friends that are girls is kind of rocky. Primarily they were mean and/or manipulative, and they would usually ditch her in favor of some kind of perceived 'better deal.' Jess on the other hand has been awesome to Jenn, and when someone is rude to her Jess will leap to Jenn's defense. She also is chock full of good advice and ideas. Sadly though she has moved to California to finish a law degree...that's right, she's a lawyer, she can crucify you with your own words. Also, her father is the Vice President of Medieval Times, as such before she left we went there and had a extremely good time, which was also helped along by our server, a guy named Bill.

Now we have this gentleman,

JD Livergood, of the Tatooine Livergoods. JD is Jenn's friend, and a capable artist and game developer. He has a tendency to sell himself short, in spite of his multiple talents...also when you glue a cocopuff to his face he looks remarkably like Lemmy from Motorhead. JD's rating is: ACE OF SPADES!

Then there's this guy...

Oh balls! He's got a cute dog! BALLLLLS! This Jeremy, we had lunch at a nice Italian place with a very terse waitress. He is extremely knowledgeable about history and political theory, at the very least it appeared that way in conversation. He's also funny and gets my jokes.

I would keep introducing you to these people but I'm hungry and have been writing this for like two and a half hours now. Anyway, the long and short of it is that Texas was great and I'll be going there at my earliest convenience. This will however be to the chagrin of the myriad of people who all unanimously agree that Texas is a horrible place for me, in spite of often never having visited there or simply secretly wanting me to stay because they'll miss me otherwise. For these people I'm sorry, but you can always visit, under which circumstances I'll take you my favorite restaurants.

A Complete History of the World Part 9: Greece 499 BC- 477 BC THIS IS SPARTA!

Don't call it a comeback, I been here for years! Rockin' my peers and puttin' suckas in fear! Makin' the history rain down like a monsoon, listen to the bass go boom! It's about time (sic) that we get back into history and see how Greece is doing, you know, while Rome is being Roman.


Anyway, so the year is 499 BC and Ionia is having a problem. Ionia was pretty much the whole of modern Turkey, though rather than Turks it was inhabited by Greeks who had colonized the area, Troy was located in Ionia incidentally. Well Sixty years before then the Persians had rolled in and conquered the whole place and elected a tyrant to watch over everything. Apparently this wasn't going over so well, and sensing that he may lose his position as unquestioned ruler of the region the tyrant in charge of Ionia incited the Greeks to rebel against the Persians and throw off their swarthy yoke. When news of the revolt reached Athens and Eretria they promptly sent soldiers to aid in the conflict, hoping to defeat the Persians and return the region to their control. The leader of the Persians, one Darius the Great, however had different plans.



Those plans really revolved around beating the Ionian's asses so completely that they wouldn't pull this shit again. To no ones surprise he was totally successful in his plan and by 493 BC he had pacified the region. However he had one remaining problem...Greece. Because Athens and Eretria had assisted in the revolt they would need to be conquered as well. So begins the first Greco-Persian War.


You can actually make out some of what happened from the above map. Darius sent his Son-in-Law Mardonius to conquer the Greeks and initially everything seemed to be going his way. Thrace in the North had been a vassal of Persia since 513 BC and it was quickly reintroduced into the fold and Macedon was an ally of Persia so it also allowed the Persian army through without opposition. With a massive force amassing on the Greek border Darius asked rather politely for the city states to surrender. He received a big affirmative from everyone...except two. Athens and SPARTA both executed the ambassadors in defiance. Now with the interior of Greece at war with him Darius ordered the army to advance. Towns were razed and Greeks were enslaved as the Persian army moved forward. Darius gave orders for a invasion by sea of Eretria, the city that had aided the Ionians, and after six days under siege two Eretrians betrayed the city and let the Persians in to enslave their people. Eretrians...cool folk. Anyway, the Persian army then headed South to Marathon, where the Greek army was waiting under the guidance of Miltiades, a veteran of the Ionian revolt. Miltiades and his army fought for five days, pinning the Persian army on the beach. Finally, and for reasons that are entirely a mystery to historians the Greeks attacked in force and slaughtered the Persians, driving them back to their boats and into the sea. This however wasn't the end of the battle, the Greeks quickly turned and marched at top speed twenty five miles back to Athens to scare off another landing force that had been sailing towards the city. Victory was secured and the Greeks had defeated the greatest empire in the world. Darius was pissed.

However as soon as Darius' shattered army returned home he began raising a force that would be so powerful no army could defeat it. Sadly for him as he was doing this the Egyptians revolted and he had to postpone his plans...and then extra sad for him he died. At which point his empire passed to his son Xerxes.



Yeah, I think we all know where this is going. Xerxes stone crushed the Egyptians and started preparing for war with Greece. In 481 troops were mustered from dozens of nations under Xerxes control and after a winter of stockpiling, the Persian Army was ready to finish the Greeks once and for all. This wasn't so terrible however because the Persians had received requests from a number of Greek city states to be added to the fold, so technically speaking it was just Athens and SPARTA that were ruining everyone's good time.

Meanwhile in Greece the hero of Marathon, Miltiades had been injured in a fight and seeing an opportunity a wealthy family prosecuted him for deceiving them into fighting the Persians and he was fined. Fortunately for him he died, good luck collecting on your jerk tax in Hades! In place of Miltiades a general named Themistocles rose to prominence and after a lucky gold strike near Athens he had the money put into building a better navy. South in Sparta however an old power struggle had seen the old Spartan king deposed years before, after which he went into exile and began working as an adviser to Darius and then Xerxes. It is said that he sent a blank wax tablet to the Spartans warning of the planned invasion, at which time it can be assumed the Spartans popped like ten million boners. The war began in earnest in 480 BC when the Persian army under Xerxes marched south through Thrace and Macedon towards the combined Greek armies. At the moment however the Olympic games had begun and for Sparta fighting during the games was extremely sacrilegious.

Also, let me just say...WTF? As though Sonic would fucking lose cross country? Against an Italian plumber at that?

Naturally there was some trouble with this, so the Spartan king Leonidas went out on a limb and took his personal guard to fight the Persians rather than completely offend the Gods. Some might think that this was madness...instead we prefer to think that THIS IS



Dumb as hell. You happy now?



Good. Anyway, Leonidas and his 300 Spartans wander on over to Thermopylae with the allied Greek armies and wait for the Persians in a narrow pass. Basically it was the absolute best place to put hoplite infantry ever...just one tiny impenetrable wall of spears and shields...seriously how do you even flank that? Xerxes sees the Greeks intend to fight and repeatedly charges the encampment but fails to dislodge them, fortunately, in fabulous Greek tradition, a local betrays the Greeks and tells Xerxes about a secret path behind the choke point. Leonidas dismisses the Greek army when he sees what has happened, ordering only 2,000 soldiers to stay behind and they stall the Persian army to buy time. They dined in hell and all that rubbish. Anyway, out at sea the Greek navy was busily defeating the Persian navy, ruining hopes of a future landing. The Persians advanced and after a series of battles they found themselves dissolving into retreat and in 479 BC the Greeks counterattacked and drove the Persians out of Greece.

I think now would be a good place to stop, though next time we'll pick up with the Greeks again and see how they formed the Delian League and pursued the Persians across their empire. Finally for your enjoyment...

A Complete History of the World Part 8: THE POWER AND THE GLORY THAT IS THE ROMAN REPUBLIC! 509 BC- 387 BC

Alright, this is where the shit gets real yo! This is where this history blog gets really slow, because the Roman Republic lasted over 450 years, and contains some pretty damned important events. That is beside all the crazy shit that happens in the rest of the world, so holy crap, get on board because we are about to learn some stuff...maybe.



Alright so when we last chatted with the Romans they had eliminated their Kings after the rape of Lucretia and now were under the direction of the Senate. The senate eventually created the position of consul, which was held by two people simultaneously, and they were something akin to a dual president, or in the case of Rome it would be closer to like dual Hitlers.

Aww fuck, the only thing they can't agree on is where to invade next!

The interesting thing about Rome was that their constitution was extremely complex, involving consuls, senators, praetors, magistrates and checks and balances to each group, but none of it was written down. the real drive of history in Rome and its government is not the details of this legislative body, but rather the struggles between the common people of the Republic and the aristocracy.
So initially we see the Patrician Era, or the age of aristocracy, when the monarchy fell and the position of consul was created the consuls ruled the country in much the same manner as the kings had before. During a war in 494 BC the lower classes, who were the soldiers of the Republic, threw down their weapons and left, demanding that they have the right to select their own officials. After some debate it was decided that perhaps the ability to wage war was necessary and the Plebeians were given the Plebeian Council.


It was during the Republican era that we see Rome harness the power of architecture to create domes and arch's, which classed the hell out of their cities, versus their Greek counterparts. Slaves were kept by wealthy, and even not so wealthy families, to the point that at one time roughly 25% of Romes population was slaves. The major difference between our modern view of slavery and the Roman model was that the slaves were from pretty much everywhere. The Greeks were common slaves, used for educational purposes, Germanic slaves were used for labor, etc. Further slaves were often freed when they had completed whatever work their master had planned for them, and could also earn money to buy their freedom. The Roman household of the time also had an interesting view of religion, your home was your temple. Each home would have an altar, which would have a statue or image of the household God. Popular God's of the time were Jupiter and Mars, though all kinds of crazy Indo-European deities pop up, like snake Gods and such. Most of the Roman religious tradition however was lifted from the Greeks, who also kindly shared their philosophical beliefs with the Romans...at the tip of a sword.

Now then, back to the history bit. Around 390 or 387 BC a group of Gauls under the leadership of Brennus...


Damn that's one bad dude. Anyway, the Gauls were tromping about the lands North of Rome, what was once Etruria, and wanted a land they could call home. They entered into negotiations with the tribes in Etruria, asking if they could have a parcel of land to live on, the Etrurians had recently come under roman control so they asked Rome to send diplomats to decide what should be done. Rome sent the Fabii brothers (pronounced like Fabio, but with an 'I' instead of an 'o')



So these three 'diplomats' arrive at the Gaul encapment, at roughly the same time as an army from the nearby city. The Fabii 'break the law of nations' I.E. they grabbed their swords and started stone killing Gauls.


The Fabians manage to kill a Gallic leader as well as make good an escape. The Gauls send an actual diplomat to Rome asking that the male models be handed over to them for trial. Rome, being Rome decides that instead of that, they'll promote the Fabians to the position of Consul for how kick ass they are. The Gauls respond with a declaration of war and start marching towards Rome. Rome responded by sending six legions of its best troops, or whoever was laying around. In these days you paid for your outfit and weapons in the army, so the legion would put all the rich older citizens on the front lines and the poorer half naked soldiers on the wings. Further the army used a phalanx formation like the Greeks, which was effectively big spear walls pushed together into even larger walls of spears. The Gauls arrived with around 24,000 men, nearly equal to the Romans and proceeded to drive away the poorly armed wings of the army and then surrounded the wealthy aristocrats in the center...slaughtering them. Romes upper class was now basically bleeding out about 14 miles North of town. The fleeing legions returned to Rome and left the door open, allowing the Gauls to storm the city. The citizenry of Rome fled to one of the seven hills, Capitoline and beat back repeated assaults. The Senate was quickly informed and a man named Camillus was given temporary dictator powers and a generalship. Camillus set about trying to organize some kind of rescue for Rome, which was busily being sacked by the super tough Brennus.

Brennus eventually figured out how to circumvent the defenders and forced a surrender demanding a metric shit ton of gold as payment. Once this business was done Camillus showed up with his new army and battled Brennus on the streets of Rome. This did not pan out for either side and after a hard pointless fight Brennus and Camillus agreed to meet the following day outside of the city. This second fight worked out badly for Brennus who was defeated and forced to retreat. Rome was safe and some important lessons were learned. Some of these included things like not letting your aristocracy do all the fighting, outfitting your army equally so you don't have a bunch of poorly armed plebs running around getting stabbed. Finally the Romans figured out that there were a great many things they didn't know about tactics, and as such they adopted a new 'manipular' form of legion. A 'manipule' is the Roman term for military unit, at the front of the army would be javelin units called Hastati, behind them were the Principes, who did the majority of the hand to hand fighting, and when you needed to break the will of the opposing force you sent in the last unit the Triarii, who were mainly veterans and well armed and armored soldiers. This defeat also caused the Romans to build larger walls around Rome, which you would've thought would have been one of those clever ideas they picked up from the Greeks, but apparently not.

So, this is the Roman Republic, up to the sack of Rome. Join us next time when we see what the Greeks have been doing during all this nonsense.

A Complete History of the World Part 7: THE POWER AND THE GLORY THAT IS ROME! 753 BC-507 BC

Alright, remember how I said things were about to get complicated? I was really kind of talking about Rome and how pretty much after these guys appear on the scene history kicks into overdrive, and almost everyone has enough stone, paper, papyrus or kiln fired dirt laying around to keep lengthy records of their civilizations. So Lets start with the big guys of the Iron Age, ROME!


So a there isn't a whole hell of a lot of info about the Kingdom of Rome, save that its founding is popularly believed to be around 753 BC. The city of Rome was located on a hill (Palatine) next to the river Tiber. It was ruled by a series of Kings, which in Rome were referred to as Rex.

The most famous of these was Romulus, the founder of Rome...and the ROMULAN STAR EMPIRE. The story goes that a pair of twins were born, Romulus and Remus, who, when they grew up, decided to create a kingdom and asked the local deities to favor one of them to name and lead the settlement. A flock of birds flew over Romulus so he promptly iced his brother with a shovel. with his newly buried brother out of the way Romulus formed the legionary. Now that he had an army as well as a thirst for glory and power he ordered his troops to attack the Sabines. The intent was to capture their women and bring them back to Rome for breeding stock. This event is captured in the musical number 'Sobbin' Women' from the musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Great.
So Romulus gets women for Rome, founds the Roman senate in meantime, and as the war with the Sabine men grows a momentous event takes place. As battle is about erupt between the legions and the Sabines, the now totally raped women rush from the city and plead for the fighting to stop and for the two peoples to live in peace as one. Peace is declared and promptly Rome puts out a notice saying that Rome is an asylum for all who dislike where they live, thus murderers, thieves, political enemies and roughnecks from all over the Mediterranean make their way to the new city. They also invent cloaking devices for their powerful birds of prey.


My thoughts exactly. Funny thing about the end of Romulus' reign, it is said that in his 38th year he and the people of Rome went to a large hill, where a storm abruptly sprung up and scared everyone but Romulus away. When the storm passed the people returned and were panicked to find that their fearless leader was missing! The senators quickly called for silence and explained that they had seen Romulus carried away into the heavens to be venerated as a God. This is pretty clearly the Roman Senators beginning the extremely Roman tradition of political assassination and spin doctoring. After the death of Romulus the senate went into a interregnum and elected a new king from the senate...ascended to heaven my ass.


What have I done to history?

Anyway, Rome found a new leader in Numa Pompilius, who had a peaceful reign of 43 years, he was actually rather well liked for managing this. He also created the Vestal Virgins, who watched over the fire of Vesta a protecting spirit of Rome. The virgins were taken at a young age and served 30 years as fire watchers, making sure that the flame never went out. After their tenure was up they could retire and get married, but when your choices in life were either be pampered forever with no sex or consent to the rule of men in Rome most women chose to remain in the 'clergy.'

After the reign of Numa the 'awesome,' Rome went to Tulus Hostilius, whose name is an aptronym. He ignored the hell out of the Gods and fought wars like there was no tomorrow. As he grew old and sick he turned to the God Jupiter for help, Jupiter's response was to drop a lightning bolt on him and his house.



Damn straight.

Because the Romans were worried about their new nation, and because Hostilius was such an enormous cock, the Roman Senate sought out Numas Grandson for the position of Rex. He was much like his Grandfather and ruled Rome with a measured respectful hand. Ancus Marcius, as he was called, adopted a foreign man as son and said that he would take the throne when he died. This man was Tarquinius Priscus, who by all appearance was a great ruler for his time. He expanded the Roman Empire into the Etruria, his birthplace, then gave the Etruscans senate seats. He also created the Circus Maximus where the Roman love of games was finally coming into its own. At this massive stadium chariot races were held, basically ancient Roman NASCAR. I would recommend everyone rush right out and see Ben-Hur as it is famous for its chariot scene, but I haven't seen it. I watched a clip once, but for whatever reason they decided that there needed to be Muslims betting on the race...even though Islam wasn't founded for another 400 YEARS! Damn you movies! Damn you to hell! Anyway Priscus also built the Roman sewer system, which helped him clear out a nearby swamp and expand the city. He was also the first Roman leader to celebrate a 'Roman Victory', wherein large parades and celebrations were held.

Regrettably Priscus suffered a true Roman fate, he was assassinated by one of Ancus' sons, you know, the real ones...the ones who weren't getting to rule Rome. Fortunately, just like in a good movie, the wicked sons of Ancus were thwarted when the throne went to Prscus' son Servius Tullius. He changed up the Roman's civics system, making a more rigid class system and giving more power to an elite few. However as he grew older he began to view the poor of his nation as important, because there was a lot of them, and they could stab him just as hard as anybody. Hilariously he was assassinated by his own daughter Tullia, who got her husband Tarquinius Superbus to the position of Rex.



That would be funny if it weren't true. You see Superbus was a brutal leader, who destroyed shrines dedicated to the Sabines ( who were now largely integrated into all of Roman society), murdered his opposition and threatened the well being of the whole of Rome. Finally he was ousted after an incredibly famous event. In 507 BC Superbus was besieging a distant city and needed to make contact with the Roman city of Collatia. He sent his son Sextus to visit the Governor's mansion, which belonged to a man away at the siege as well. The house invited him in with all kinds of kindnesses and flattery. In attendance at the mansion was the Prefect of Rome's daughter Lucretia, whose husband was the wayward governor. Sextus was quickly enamored with the beautiful Lucretia and that same night he crept into her bedchamber and woke her to give her two choices. She could either sleep with him and be his future Queen, or he could kill her and one of her maids and claim that she was dishonoring her husband by having a lesbian affair. Lucretia opted out of either choice and was summarily raped by Sextus, who quickly returned to the front lines pleased as punch. Lucretia, devastated, went to her father and wept, when he asked her why she was so distressed she said that she wanted witnesses. Once a crowd had been gathered she told the story of her rape at the hands of the King's son, how this was an affront to all Roman's, and that action must be taken, as soon as this message escaped her lips she drew a dagger and stabbed herself in the heart.. The Roman people were infuriated with their ruler and promptly called in the senate to oust him and end the line of kings.

Lucretia was the catalyst needed to finally end the rule of the Rex in Rome, with her death the senate raised an army and barred the gates to the city. Sextus and Superbus quickly heard the news and raced to Rome, leaving the army under the command of two patricians (Roman aristocrats). Discovering that they could not enter the city they returned to the besieged city of Ardea. Little did they know that while they were off running all over the country side a message had arrived declaring Superbus and his kin outlaws, a vote was held amongst the soldiers and a call to revolution accepted. Superbus was driven from Rome and all her territories, eventually ending up in Etruria, where he rallied the Etruscans and Latins behind him to defeat Rome. Sadly for Superbus it just didn't work out and Rome became a Republic, creating the position of consul to replace the king. You are probably thinking that simply having a kingly position under a different name wouldn't really make the situation any better, but the solution to this was to have there be two consuls who would need to agree over courses of action.

So in 507 BC the Kingdom of Rome was at an end and the era of the Republic of Rome was beginning!

A Complete History of the World Part 6: Greece 1100-500 BC, China 2100-480 BC, Japan 13,000- 300 BC, Meso America 1000 BC

We need to keep this ball rolling, because we're getting to some very lengthy and important periods in the development of everything, so we're going to leap to the next phase in Greek development.


So after the terrible Trojan War, which took up quite a few years after 1100 BC the Greeks moved into a period known as the Greek Dark Ages. The reason for the name is less because of some kind of loss of quality in Greek living, but rather because we simply have extremely little record of what precisely they were doing. So we'll skip the next few hundred years and go to the Archaic period roughly 800 BC to 480 BC.

During this innovative time the Greeks began to build small kingdoms around large towns, the most prominent feature of which was a spot called the Acropolis. The acropolis in Greek city design was a large hill centered in the heart of a city, surrounded by walls, rather a lot like later castle designs. Funny thing about this period is that Kingship was not passed from father to son, but rather from father to son-in-law. Thus disputes and lineage focused on the Queens of these towns. As the Archaic period ended the Kings were deposed by tyrants, another Greek invention. At this time a tyrant was an elected leader (the Greeks invented democracy as a means of bettering their fledgling 'city states') who had absolute authority to run the city as they saw fit, until the next election.

During the next few hundred years the Greek city states we are all familiar with become more defined, and of course wars break out between them. Such as the Messenian War in which Sparta, upset after the raping of some virgins, attacked Messenia, Messenia on the other hand swore that the virgins were soldiers, and that Sparta was simply being rude. This was promptly followed by a second Messenian War, because if Sparta ain't figthin' Sparta ain't livin'.


This sadly pretty much wraps up Greece until we jump up to everything after 500 BC.



Anyway, because Greece is done we can leap over to another part of the world ASIA! Starting with China in 2,100 BC. This was the time of the Xia dynasty, which could have ruled all the way to 1600 BC, but then again NOBODY KNOWS! Because although there are some records of the Xia dynasty existing and a few artifacts, there's no concrete history to speak of, so we'll jump ahead to the Shang Dynasty which ran from1600 BC to 1046 BC. During the Shang period the Chinese worshiped a pantheon of Gods all under a single supreme God Shang-Ti, as well as their ancestors, who after death ascended to a state of God hood as well. The Chinese also started using divination and the reading of bones to predict the future. Leadership at this time was dictated by the 'Mandate of Heaven' which was the will of the greater whole of the universe, if you were leading the country and everything was all right then you possessed the mandate, if however there were natural disasters and the people were unhappy then the mandate was no longer with you and you were fair pickin's for removal. After the Shang gave way a new Dynasty was founded titled the Zhou, which ruled China from 1046 to 221 BC. This transition was actually achieved after the Shang dynasties vassals in the West, the people of Zhou, turned on their masters and declared that they possessed the Mandate of Heaven, and were thus the new rulers of China. Incidentally the constant declarations of possessing the Mandate of heaven will be extremely common in dynastic cycles from here on out pretty much, but then again you knew that already if you happened to play any games made by Koei.


After a fashion the Zhou rulers lost control over the various feudal lords in China and by 480 BC hundreds of small kingdoms all vied for power while claiming loyalty to the Zhou. During the lead up to this there was also the beginning of large migrations of Chinese from the North to the South. In the background to the upheavels of the period Confucianism and Taoism both spring up and become dominant religious doctrines of the period. In recognition of this I'll give them each an opportunity to offer some advice. First of lets chat with Confucius...


Fascinating, thanks for that...all right, let us ask Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism a question, Lao Tzu! What's the purpose of life?



Outstanding, I have made a mockery of these two sacred traditions.

Anywho, lets move to Japan and see what they're up to between 13,000 BC to 300 BC


Stupendous, you venerate that bear carcass! We'll check back in with Japan in a few hundred years.

So where else can we visit? Let's see, in Central and South America the Olmec Civilization appears, along with the Mayans, this taking place around 1000 BC. The Olmec were known primarily for their art work, most notably their giant stone heads.


Exactly like you! Though eventually the Olmec were destroyed by violent insurrections...and by popular Nickelodeon game shows.


The Maya on the other hand would reach prominence a little later, so we'll need to be patient with them. Europe was wearing furs and eating meat nearly raw at this point, so picture early civilization with snow.

Under These circumstances it appears that we've managed to cover history all the way up to 500 BC, so be prepared, because this is where things start getting complicated.