History! 5/26

Its been quite a while since the last time I did History! at all you poor people. As such, because I'll be dealing with courtrooms and bailiffs for the remainder of the day and into the night I thought it best to do one early so it didn't seem wasted. So, lets get on with it then shall we?

1293 AD, In Kamakura Japan an earthquake struck. Now this happens a lot, like all the time, however what made this one so special is that it killed 30,000 people! Seriously, the Japanese at he time were living in single story shacks, so the likelihood of them being completely unable to flee outside is slightly incredible. Thus I am forced to to picture the ground literally opening up and swallowing a whole city. When I did a quick google search for 'Japanese Earthquake" this is on the first page! My guess is that the Japanese have a long standing tradition of rescue cats, dating back to this terrible disaster, when bands of cats would roam the rubble looking for survivors and demanding treats until rescuers could arrive.
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1538, Man, John Calvin, founder of Calvinism is just cold hated by everybody. On this day he was kicked out of Geneva and told to go cause dissent someplace else. Naturally he picked Strasbourg, because when I think of places to hide from the Catholic church I think of Strasbourg.

1637, Here is a big one for me, like epic! During the Pequot War in North America, noted douche bag John Mason, Bostonian General of a combined force of puritans and Mohegans attacked the seat of Pequot power in Connecticut. The Pequot had earned the ire of the local puritans and through some shady back room deal the puritans had gotten the Narragansett and Mohegan tribes to assist in a brutal war against the larger Pequot tribe. Well, Mason and the puritans were eager to attack the chief of the Pequot, but after a long days marching they opted instead to attack a nearby Pequot fort. This was also after encouragement from the Mohegans, under their equally douchey chief Uncas, who had found some Pequot on the way and decapitated them, showing the heads to Mason. So today Mason surrounds the fort in the dead of night, with his Mohegan and Narragansett allies (the Narragansett weren't all that bad actually, they were like a Native American Andorra, just cold stuck in the middle of all the big guys) and orders volleys to bie fired into the fort. At this point the Pequot awake and start moaning and shouting so pitifully that the English think for a moment that perhaps they should take pity on their opponants. At this point it is noted that they overcame their Christian charity when they remembered that the Pequot had cruelly slain a dude months before on his houseboat. Oh yeah, that dude that the Pequot killed, that kinda caused this war, he was a wife stealing, smuggler/pirate who had been asked to leave the puritans cities because he was a nuisance, but puritans have extremely short memories and extremely long grudges. Mason orders the group of puritans and indians to enter the fort and fight hand to hand, which then forces him to reconsider and instead he declares boldly, "We must burn them!" So Mason promptly lights a torch and sets a bark house on fire, to the complete shock of the Pequot. The fire is picked up by the wond and the whole fort is completely ablaze within thirty minutes. Now the English (who have suffered two casualties during this) block the two exits and proceed to keep the burning Pequot in the fort, stabbing or shooting anyone who came near, including women and children. Within an hour of the initial fighting close to 700 Pequot are dead. The Mohegan and Narragansett look at each other in complete horror at what they were party to, especially the usually chill Narragansett who had emphatically stated at the beginning that should any forts be captured that the women and children must be spared. As for the puritans, you know, the buckle shoe wearing thanksgiving fuckers, here is how they used the bible to explain why they had to burn every mother fucker in sight, including the women kids and babies.

"Should not Christians have more mercy and compassion? No. When a people is grown to such a height of blood and sin against God and man...there He hath no respect to persons, but harrows them and saws them and puts them to the sword and the most terriblest death that may be." as for the kids? The answer being totally! "Sometimes, the scripture declareth women and children must perish with their parents. We had sufficient light from the word of God for our proceedings."

That one siege effectively marked the end of Pequot resistance. Now long after the Mystic Fort Massacre as it is called a statue was erected on the site of John Mason drawing his sword. Thank heavens there were still some Pequot descendants who pointed out that putting up the statue was the equivalent of putting up a "monument at Auschwitz to Heinrich Himmler, architect of the Nazis' Final Solution." Thus the statue was moved to another site, though it was still met with protests for the fact that the man was hardly a hero. If you would like to know more about how terrible, and sometimes terribly humane the puritans were I recommend Sarah Vowell's 'The Wordy Shipmates'.

1647, ten years after the last blood letting, though the intervening years had plenty of blood shed, the puritans execute their first witch in the New World, Alse Young. Seriously guys, stop it.

1805, Napoleon is crowned king of Italy. You know what, I want to build a huge army, more advanced and better supplied than any other army in history and start conquering places, so I can declare myself 'King' of them. "Have you heard, General Trebaol has conquered the Starbucks on Main st. He is holding a coronation and will be declared 'King of Starbucks and Coffee'."

1830, man this is a bad day for Native Americans. So today the Indian Removal Act is passed by Congress and two days from now Andrew "Trail of Tears" Jackson signs it into law.


1868, Andrew Johnson narrowly misses getting impeached by a single vote. The reasons are a little complicated and extremely boring.

1894, Nicholas II becomes the Tzar of All Russia's! Did I neglect to point out he will also be the Last Tzar of All Russia's!

1938, The House Un-American Activities Committee has its first meeting, however they really don't become extremely interesting till the fifties so lets leave them there for now.

1940, The battle of Dunkirk! Or rather the important part of the battle, you know the part where against every possible expectation the British manage ti escape the huge Nazi war machine barreling towards them. Literally fishing boats crossed the channel so they could pick up five guys and take them back to England, while being shelled by 'Jerry'.

1983, a frikkin' 7.7 earthquake strikes Japan, but this time the method of execution is tsunami! 103 people are killed by the mammoth fuckin' wave. screw you plate tectonics!

So there is fuckin' that! History for May 26th!

Mephistopheles and the Lost Scholar Part 3

The inland trek had already consumed two days, following the same worn path towards El Dorado they had taken the first time. The jungle changed little, and looked very much like every bit of jungle before them and behind them. At night they would huddle under the nearby canopy and light a fire, sleeping fitfully as mosquitoes and bugs assaulted their various orifices and exposed parts. It was during the third night of uncomfortable sleep that Brandon awoke with a unexpected shock. He lay stretched flat, gripping a large root next to his head, his breathing barely audible, the fire now dim, he dreamed of real beds and of adventures that were better thought out. As he dreamt there came a rustle from the brush beside him, just out of sight behind leaves something was sneaking about. So deep was the sleep that no one noticed the little gray creature slink from the darkness of the tree line. The moon caught in its massive eyes and reflected an eerie green. Its arms were long, its hands thin and tipped with bony clawed fingers, it hopped a little as it approached the sleeping man. Its mouth was concave in shape, until it leaned slowly down to the chefs back and opened it, then it revealed itself to be circular in shape and lined with razor sharp teeth, in rows all the way back to a spiny tongue. It raised its arms over its head, the gray skin almost translucent in the night and very slowly it leaned in for a bite.

Then, from the forest a twig snapped, a monkey or capybara had stepped too heavily on a fallen branch and it sounded in the night, waking Brandon. The burly chef rolled and launched forward, eyes shut, fists cutting the air at 140 miles an hour. It wasn't the first punch that struck the 'chulupacabra', but the second, though it was all it needed to be launched bodily into the trees, back broken over a tree limb. Finally eyes open Brandon glanced around, nothing, and with that he returned to sleep. However in the cover above and around them other large shimmering eyes watched and hungered.

The Sun rose, as it is want to do on most of the Earths surface, casting warm light over the intrepid adventurers and pulling them back into the land of the awake. Mephisto rose and glanced around, he was hungry and wondered if there was any food around. Tony then awoke and felt the same curious question raise in his mind, at which point finally Brandon sat up, punches flying (though at a safe distance) and opened his eyes.

"Dudes, I'm hungry, what do you want for breakfast?" Brandon rubbed the sleep from his eyes, and the various mosquitoes from off his arms.

"I don't know, we really should have thought a bit more about this." Tony squatted nest to the smoldering embers of the old fire.

"Time was of the essence." Brandon growled, "Never mind, I have any idea, let me see if there's a river nearby." With that Brandon looked up and around then trudged off into the jungle.

"I should probably have told him to stop." Mephisto said as the sound of Brandon's walking became more and more distant.

In the encroaching jungle Brandon moved forward with single minded courage. To be fair however he hadn't actually thought of how he would get back, and had not paid very close attention to the surrounding that he was passing, his only current concern was to find a river and use a trick he had learned years before, that is if he could remember the details of the trick. his nose however caught the scent of a river, and then, progressively he could hear the trickling as well, within fifteen minutes he had arrived at the bank of a large brown river, trees overhanging the banks, beautiful birds flying overhead.

"Jackpot!" Brandon immediately set to work, firs the would need the sap from one of these river trees, however, he couldn't remember which one was the correct tree, so with conviction he took a branch from each of several trees and large bushes around the river side and dipped the oozing limbs into the water. The water went from brown to milky white, then yellow, and finally red, with a slightly acrid smell accompanying it. He watched excitedly as fish approached the surface, mouth sucking up the concoction. "Fuck yeah! I am awesome-" the words however stumbled out of his mouth as the fish began to bubble. The slightly foamy outer coating that was now on all the fish gave way to the fish decaying abruptly before his eyes, leaving only a skeleton, then came more bubbling from deeper. Brandon rose and stepped slowly away from the river, the bubbling stopped and to the surface rose the meatless skeleton of a large snake, which had been hiding in the water at his feet, then more fish, he looked over to see a toucan dip its beak a few meters down from him, it turned its head to stare through Brandon, it seemed to say 'you jerk' then stiffly fell into the river and rose to the surface also desiccated. With growing distance and strength the river gave up its secrets in the form of bones and Brandon walked hurriedly away hoping no one would know his terrible crime against nature.

"I hope B's okay." Tony looked back to the jungle, it had been nearly two hours with no sign of the chef, and the two remaining friends weren't eager to recreate his disappearance. Fortuitously however no sooner had Tony said this than Brandon tumbled out of the jungle a few yards from them, his face covered in mud, branches stuffed in his sleeves and collar, his hands full of small creatures. "What happened to you? you couldn't find a river?"

"No, there's no river, none, and if there was a river, I am certain it would be full of jungle poisons." Brandon approached the now dead fire and began working quickly to reignite it.

"What did you find for us to eat then?" Mephisto asked looking at the filthy little 'things' Brandon clutched, "Also, how did you become so filthy?"

"These!" Brandon lifted the muddy creatures up, "Monkeys, we're having monkey, with a side of monkey, hopefully these monkeys don't have one of those parasites in them that eats your brain. This is why I don't like roughing it." Brandon stepped back as the fire sprung to life. "As for the dirt, I had to trick them. I got naked and smeared mud all over myself, then strapped branches to me, then began imitating them. once convinced I was their God I convinced them to let me sacrifice themselves to reach 'monkey shangri-la'." Brandons eyes looked wildly at Tony.

"Why'd you look at me for that?!" Tony waved a finger at Brandon, "Poor monkeys, I'm not sure I want any of your 'fixin's'." Tony moved closer to Mephisto.

"Well, if anything at least we know that Brandon was able to use madness, albeit madness that came on after an extremely short amount of time, to find food. Now we have little doubt as to whether a completely mad Mr. Trebaol would be able to survive in the jungles." Mephisto patted Tony on the back, smiling with confidence.

By midday they had finished their monkeys and were moving speedily down the road. As the path tripped and stumbled further finally they came to a sign post. The markings were alien to them, but clearly that was an excellent sign and they followed the wooden markers further down various intertwining roads. This continues till the late afternoon, where finally, when all hope seemed lost of arriving before nightfall they pushed through a final copse of trees and gazed in wonder at the lost city of El Dorado.

Golden pyramids lined the street, flanked by gold statues of lizards, gold waterways circled the small gold flecked houses, and all of it set to a backdrop of a golden sunset. They gazed at the opulent city for all of thirty seconds before,

"Great, where the hell could he be?" Brandon threw his hand up at the city, sweeping it grandly over the expanse of the site.

"Well, if he is indeed here, and he lived through the jungle, "Tony and Brandon exchanged glances as Mephisto continued, "Then we will surely find him. Why he's probably wrapped himself up around something again and is waiting for his body heat to melt it down into ingots." Mephisto clapped his hands together and stepped down towards the outer reaches of the city.

The silence of the abandoned streets was frightening. The trees hadn't touched the gold palaces, or invaded more than a few feet within their perimeter. The place might as well have been freshly abandoned, and this unnerving thought was only alleviated by the fact that they had been there once before and knew that unless they were very lucky in their visiting times it was truly abandoned. Proceeding cautiously they strolled down the main boulevard through the city, admiring the carvings on the walls and architectural flourishes on the temples and shrines located throughout. It was in the center of the complex, next to the largest pyramid that they saw something strange. To their left, at the base of the grand pyramid there was a portal of sorts a great archway, leading deep into the pyramid. It wasn't the door that seemed out of place, but rather the shining gold light that licked the walls and neighboring buildings.

"Hmm, I wonder what might be creating that light?" Mephisto asked, turning his full attention to it. Tony stepped forward a little and looked around at the horizon.

"It's not the sun, too low in the sky and in completely the wrong place. Maybe Chris is in there and he has a fire."

"Well, I believe it best for us to investigate. "Mephisto pulled the pistol from his waist and proceeded confidently towards the glow, meanwhile above them, hidden in the buildings shadows, large eyes watched with anticipation.

Mephisto reached the doorway first, Tony close on his heels. Brandon looked around the frame for something and with a smile he reached out and yanked a golden spear from a hook on the doors frame. Mephsito nodded to Brandon, Brandon nodded back waving the spear around and they proceeded into the door. The gold gave way once inside to intricate paintings depicting long dead natives and their various religious figures, sacrificing things to one another. Tony ran a hand along the textured surface, searching for information, the light still flickering deep below them, the source out of sight around a corner.

"These indians were known for their prophecies and ability to foretell things. Like here we see what appears to be a story of when the Spanish first arrived, but its closest to stories about the Earth being formed, so the city must predate first contact." Tony explained, Mephisto looking over the various caricatures, shining bearded men with sticks that spewed fire trampled the natives underfoot. "Here is a strange one, look Brandon, it looks like you." Tony pointed to a large figure, with an ornate apron on, and a short curly beard. "Odd, he seems to be taking vines or ropes of some sort and is spreading death in this river, you can all the bones and the God of the underworld looking down with shame on his face."

"Well, that's funny, because why would I do that? You think I would do something stupid like that and kill everything in a river?" Brandon pushed Tony to move past the uncanny image.

As they reached the bottom of the stairs the air became warm and moist like the jungle outside, they slowly turned the corner and there at the end of the hall they could see a strange glowing light. The light was covered however by some form of a fan, which turned lazily and caused the light to shift on the walls, then at the foot of the light, at the turn of another corner was a leg.

"Is that a leg?" Brandon grabbed Tonys jacket and squeezed.

"It looks like it." Tony gulped and stepped back slowly.

"No men, we must be brave, our friend is counting on us, perhaps Mr. Trebaol has fallen asleep, exhausted from so much gold and history in one place, his body just around that corner." Mephisto took a shaky step forward, then another, Brandon and Tony close behind him. They made their way to the light and fan, then looking over the stockinged leg and buckle shoe they turned the sharp corner and discovered the body.

"Holy shit!" Brandon gasped and tumbled back against the wall. Tony also wheeled around away from the sight. Mephisto alone stood over the body laying on the pyramids floor.

"What do you see?" Tony asked, looking wide eyed at Brandon. Mephisto moved closer and stooped over the body, it wore a gentleman's coat, and a long cloak, though this was dirty and mud covered from the trip, the clothes were ill fitting and draped loosely over body, even the face was difficult to distinguish, changed as it was by the dry hollowness of the rest of its frame.

"I believe that he was killed by a Chulupacabra. He is dry and seemingly devoid of fluids. Here too, look his buttons have the seal of the governors mansion on them, I have no doubts this is Mr. Trebaol."

"Chulupacabras ate my best friend." Brandon murmured, his face downcast, his eyes red.

"Well, he probably went happy, lost in a city of gold, eaten by an undiscovered animal." Tony said tearing up.

"We should probably go." Mephisto stood up and took his two friends by their arms and walked for the exit. Brandon leaned heavily on his spear and Mephisto replaced the the pistol in his sash, the trio made their way back to the long stairwell, ill prepared for their discovery and sad to begin the journey home with such sad tidings. As they turned the corner to the stairs however they found themselves caught bu surprise. there at the top of the stony steps illuminated by the gold light was a group of terrible grey monsters, with concave mouths and bulging red eyes. The sun had set while they were inside and the monsters had left the safety of the shadows to collect on the explorers.

"Holy shit!" Brandon flicked his spear up towards the creatures, "Chulupacabras!" One of the grey creatures bellowed , its mouth opening wide to show the rows of teeth, its tongue lolling around languidly.

"Jesus!" Tony backed against the wall.

"I'm going to make these fuckers extinct!" Brandon charged forward up the first three steps when abruptly the front row of beasts plunged down towards them, followed by row after row of other mangy ghouls. "Never mind, everybody retreat!" Brandon turned and bolted past Mephisto and Tony who followed closely behind.

"Excellent judgement Mr. Frazier!" Mephisto careened down the corridor weaving up and down passages deeper into the ground, more lights and fans flickered different colors and strange smells greeted them at every new junction. Behind them they could hear the horde of chulupacabras tearing at the walls and each other to reach the friends first. Finally though the three adventurers tumbled down a series of steps and into a hard metal room, Tony reached for the edge of the door frame to stop his fall but instead caught a strange symbol etched onto the icy silver wall, behind him the passage disappeared with a 'vwoomf' replaced by a heavy iron door.

"What?" Tony looked at the wall and touched the symbol again, causing the iron door to disappear into the roof, revealing the clamoring wave of creatures racing for them, gnashing their teeth.

"CLOSE IT!" Brandon shouted, laying on his back waving his spear. tony quickly touched the glyph again and the door shut just in time, the sound of furious scratching emanated from it as the monsters tried to gain entrance.

"Where are we?" Mephisto heaved, his adrenaline still pumping, demanding that he continue to flee.

"I don't know, lets have a look." Tony walked down the two deep steps onto the expansive floor. The room was lit by two blue orbs that hung in the ceiling, and provided enough light to discern the surrounding silvery constructs. "Here is something," Tony approached a group of large shiny poles, which ran from floor to ceiling, next to these poles was an open door and a charred and blackened panel. "It appears to be a jail. Though the lock is broken." Tony turned and looked across the rest of the room, Brandon and Mephisto followed his gaze, looking every so often at the door, the scratching and hissing still audible. "There's more!" Tony proceeded forward into an adjoining room, this one bathed in clean white light. "Wow! You need to see this guys!" Tony disappeared into the catacombs. Brandon finally stood up, using his spear as a crutch, then turned and followed Mephisto into the white light after Tony.

They entered into a huge complex of rooms and cages, all brightly lit, though now each cage was either empty, or filled with bones.

"It's a zoo, these natives had some form of zoo here! This is amazing." Tony went from cage to cage looking at the skeletal remains of the animals, there were large furry skins, easily taller than him in one cage, a shiny black animal with a long pointed tail and sharp metal teeth in another. "This is incredible, the jungle is full of really scary looking animals guys, I'm really kind of shocked." Tony looked up ahead and saw that there was another set of closed doors with a glyph next to them. "Come on, lets see what else is here." Brandon and Mephisto hurried forward after Tony, who was already opening the door into the next room.

Room after room they discovered more and more strange artifacts from the natives. Finally, after much searching them came into a large circular chamber, with a cluster of seats in the center and various strange panels on the walls, all blinking, on the far side of the wall was a white rectangular board set against the rest of the silvery fixtures. Above were tubes and pipes running throughout the complex.

"Where are we?" Mephisto asked, taking a seat.

"We are in some kind of ancient indian super city. It's really strange that they lost the war against Spain when they had all of this." Tony tapped a panel, which suddenly flicked all the lights in the room onto a bright white, the white board too changed, it became a deep black. Then abruptly a strange symbol flashed over it.

"What did you do Tony?" Brandon muttered taking a seat next to Mephisto. The screen then changed again, now, to the horror of the group a large brown face appeared on screen, its eyes merely tiny glowing dots in its head, its mouth hidden behind folds of scaly skin, it spoke and the words that came out sounded like the screams of a thousand mewling infants. "OH GOD WHY DOESN'T IT EVER END!" Brandon tipped over in his chair as Mephisto sneered in disgust as the creature dribbled with spittle on the screen. Though just as quickly as he shouted the image froze, then a blue screen appeared. On the screen appeared hundreds of tiny symbols and letters each in a box.

"Wow, this is really not out lucky day." Tony sighed, looking at the boxes. "How are we going to get out of this, down here I doubt there's another exit, and even if we wait till daylight the creatures can just wait down here for us out of the sun." Tony moved closer to the screen.

"You are quite right. We are currently trapped, though hopefully this terrible moving painting will provide us with a solution. Perhaps the chalupacabras are as disgusted with the creature from before as we were." Mephisto leaned forward, crossing his hands. Tony looked closely at the boxes on the screen then lit up.

"Look here! English, and this one over here appears to be spanish, and this one is the indian pictographs. Here let me try this." T0ny lifted his hadn to the screen and touched the box marked English. The screen then flicked back to the horrible brown creature, but now a soft feminine voice emanated from its disgusting jowels.

"Flight controls for the Lytaxian library ship are located on consoles to the immediate right of the viewer." The voice explained, "Engineering is behind the captains seat, communications to the viwers left, and dimensional time controls are located on the console directly in front of this screen." The voice said softly, Tony turned to Mephisto.

"I don't think that this belongs to the indians. I think this is some kind of ship if you will. Controlled by celestial beings." Tony said, his eyes wide, his hands searching for a seat.

"Angels?" Mephisto looked with great uncertainty at Tony.

"Well...maybe, I don't know, but have you ever seen anything like this before, or that thing?" Tony pointed towards the screen.

"Maybe they're like sailors from outer space, and time travelers, "Brandon turned to Mephisto and Tony, his hand moving excitedly. "They said flight controls, so they must fly, and then time controls, so they must move through time. Dude, these 'angels are actually space creatures, and they are going to help us sail out of here." Brandon leapt up and headed for the console on the right most wall. With no finesse he mashed his fist against the board, causing the room to shake violently.

"Well I'm glad we looked at all our options then!" Tony shouted looking at the screen, it now changed to a map depicting their location and series of long bars that were filling with red lines.

"Wow, this map is incredible, is that what South America really looks like?" Mephisto rose as the room rumbled again. Brandon turend to look at the screen, his hands busily looking for something to grab onto. Tony moved forward hoping he had inferred enough about the creatures 'ship' to use this screen to their advantage. He looked closely at the map and picked out the rough area where Nombre De Dios should sit, then tapped it, a blue line exteneded from where they were and terminated near the city. The room shook again and the screen changed now showing a view from the top of the pyramid, the moon rising in the sky.

"I think we may have got this working." Tony said, as the image shifted, moving up and away from the crumbling masonry that surrounded it.

Outside, the pyramid was consumed in fire, as were the waiting chalupacabras. The pyramids few remaining walls collapsed as the great and strange craft lifted up from the earth and slowly made its way over the city, incinerating everything it passed over.

"This is really quite something I'd say. You have quite the way with new things don't you Mr. Wilson?" Mephisto slowly moved forward, now that the ship had stopped quaking.

"Hey, I'm the one that got it moving!" Brandon smacked the controls again, causing a strange shrieking sound to emanate from the ceiling, as red lights flicked on and off. "It wasn't me!"

The ground in the view screen moved by with increasing speed, until finally the trees whipped by too fast to be rcognized and the town of Nombre De Dios could be seen moving at incredible speed towards them. The craft lifted higher and then arched backwards and dived straight towards the jungle near the edge of town.

"We're going to crash!" Mephisto shouted grabbing hold of the chair behind him. The ship raced towards the earth and finally froze feet from the ground, the warning continued to sound. "What's going on?"

"Self destruct in five minutes." A cheery female voice explained.

"What did I do?" Brandon looked at the controls and punched them again.

"Self Destruct recalibrated, self destruct in one minute and thirty seconds."

"I take back all the nice things I said about you." Tony said, then turned and ran for the exit. Mephisto and Brandon followed the scholars lead through the ship as the countdown shrank towards zero. At last they reached the room full of broken cages and the door leading outside, Tony slapped the glyph the door opened and the three compatriots leapt outside.

Unfortunately however the ship they had been in had created some form of alternative gravity, and theyfound themselves flying first forward upright from the portal, to down sideways from the side of the ship. With a heavy 'whump!' they hit the dirt below and looked up as the ship glowed green and gold, then 'boop' it disappeared without so much as a gust of wind.

"Mr. Frazier, refrain from punching strange new devices until I recommend that as your course of action. Just for future reference though." Mephsito looked at the chef.

"We're alive aren't we? That was all me." Brandon pointed a thumb at his chest then stiffly got back up. The exhausted friends made their way back into town to the Unicorn and asked politely to be ferryed home.

The trip was a long sad one for them as they traded stories about previous adventures, and what they would do now without their resident crackpot. With heavy hearts they returned to the harbor at St. Eustatius, the rows of masts bobbed in along the edge of the piers.

"You think we could go to the underworld and get him back?" Brandon asked, looking at Tony and Mephisto.

"I don't think so, he was eaten, and that kind of precludes foul play, besides, I don't think Hades was gay." Tony said, looking down at the water. Mephisto leaned back and looked out across the harbor, his eyes catching on asomething that seemed extremely unusual.

"What on Earth?" Mephisto ran to the railing in the opposite side of the Unicorn, there in the harbor was Mephisto's new ship the pinnace Incognita, a wedding gift from Governor Logan. It was manned, and flying its penants, making ready to set sail. "Um, Arthur!" Mephisto shouted to the Captain of the Unicorn could you bring us alongside that ship over there. The Unicorn slowly turned and made its way clsoer, till a rope could be used to swing acorss the gap and board the Incognita. Mephisto took a rotting rope and swung over onto the deck of his new ship and grabbed the first familiar face he could find. "You there, Mr. Brambles."

"It's Geoff sir, Brambles retired, ya threw a party for 'im. Do ya remember any uf this?" Geoff sighed, putting down the cask of water he was holding.

"No, well not clearly anyway, moving along, what are you all doing?" Mephisto looked over the deck.

"We were going ta go look fer ya, but apparently yer here, so maybe I should tell the temporary cap'n." Geoff looked over his shoudler and whistled.

"Temporary Captain? What in the blazes, this is all very irregular."

"What's going on!" Brandon shouted across from the other ship, hands around his mouth.

"I don't know, give me a minute!" Mephisto shouted back, not noticing the smartly dressed new captain strutting up to him.

"Where the deuce did you come from?" A familiar voice asked.

"We just got back from looking for Mr. Trebaol, the scholar, but regrettably he died, now who are," Mephisto stopped as he looked up at the new Captain.

"Funny me being dead and all, might make it hard to be alive." It was none other than Chris, the dead scholar.

"Wha?"

"What the hell are you doing alive!" Brandon shouted waving his arms.

"What?!" Chris shouted back.

The ships docked, the crews taking their leave and Chris joined Mephisto, Brandon and Tony in a carriage headed back to the governors mansion.

"So you've been alive this whole time?" Tony asked, with a confused look on his face.

"Yeah, where'd you think I was?"

"We thought you had gone mad and went in search of El Dorado again." Mephsito interjected.

"No, what? No, why would I do that alone, do I have a death wish?"

"Well, your friends thought you did, they said you had gone missing some three days before they came to me." the carriage bumped along the dirt path through the sunny island.

"What? Missing? Wait, I know what it was, I volunteered to teach a class in history and they offered to let me stay at the school." Chris looked around at the confused slightly exasperated faces.

"You never volunteer for anything, and you hate not sleeping in your own bed, these are facts, that we know!" Tony proclaimed.

"Did you not remember how hot it was? Or rather how unbearably humid, the classrooms were in a shady part of town, and I could make the students wave fans at me while I worked, then at night i split them into shifts to fan me and make sure the room stayed cool." Chris leaned back with a smile.

"You enslaved children to keep cool?" Mephisto asked.

"Sounds like Chris." Brandon looked out the window.

"So you guys went looking for me? Why didn't you just assume I was alive and somewhere else."

"Wait, how could that be?" Tony said, looking around a chill running up his spine, "The body was about your height, but unrecognizeable, and it had buttons from the governors mansion, like these." Tony held up his jacket to show a set of buttons emblazoned with the governors name. Chris thought for a minute ten his face lit up, then darkened again.

"Well, I did recently tell Mr. Tiddlecuff, the mansions gardner, about El Dorado, he seemed quite intrigued, then when I was done with the classes him and all of you were gone." Chris frowned, "I think you found him and mistook him for me. After you guys remained missing for so long I went down to the town and started rounding up your old crew, and was intending on setting out to find you." Chris looked at Mephisto.

"Well that explains that. Where were you going to look?" Mephisto inquired.

"Really wasn't sure, I jsut figured it would work itself out, and then maybe Graham would write a book about me, so I suppose I acted out of the most selfish possible reasons. though I would really have tried hard to find you all." Chris smiled politely and looked out the window, "Oh look a bird!"

"Wonderful." Tony said tepidly as the carriage rolled back up to the mansions front doors and the friends climbed out ready to return to their regular duties. So it was, that Mephisto managed to take a vacation from his vacation, assist his friends in a quest, and bring everything to a comfortable conclusion. Comfortable for all but poor Mr. Tiddlecuffs.

The End

Mephistopheles and the Lost Scholar Part 2

Often, when your goal is a missing friend, one wakes fitfully from sleep, your dreams terrible playgrounds of frightening thoughts. However for Mephisto his sleep had rarely been calmer, he had found the rolling waves soothing and the thought of a day at sea encouraging. It wasn't as though he wasn't sympathetic to Tony and Brandon's plight, Chris was after all one of their closest friends, further Mephisto had received much help from Chris when it came to rescuing Penelope. There was still the unshakable excitement of being out of the house and on his way for adventure, all things considered he had actually spent very little time out and about without the looming specter of doom hovering about his actions. Thus it was with little urgency that the Unicorn approached Nombre De Dios' harbor.

The town sprawled out from the shore, the local forts cannons trained on the sea, waiting for pirates, or British, whichever came first. The locals flitted about the streets with fresh produce and fruits from the adjoining jungle, or with strange artifacts and unique curios from the native populations so thoroughly wiped out after the Europeans arrival. Mephisto bowed to Arthur and gave him a small sack of gold coins, some four times the amount one would have asked for such a trip.

"Well then, we'll just wait here, seeing as how ye were so kind in payment, doubtful anyone else would pay so well for so little." Arthur tipped a little at the waist in acknowledgement of the gift and helped the scholar and chef down the gang plank onto the docks.

"No worries! We'll be back in a week or so, depending on how long it takes us to find the place again, hopefully the road signs are still up." Mephisto waved to Arthur then headed for the nearest Costa Guarda he could find to see if anyone unusual had stopped through. Spotting one well scrubbed officer, Mephisto approached with open arms. "Why hello there! Or shall I say Buenos...beuno...hmm." No, he had definitely no idea how to great someone in Spanish. "Mr. Wilson, I need your assistance with this guard, I don't know how to greet him." The guard raised a bushy black eyebrow at the strange group in front of him, he crossed his gloved hands over his arms, the sun glinting off his armored chest plate.

"I see, just a moment," Tony put a finger to his temple and looked the guard deep in the ey, then began to speak, "Hola allí mi buen hombre, estamos buscando al caballero, cerca de cinco pies nueve, los vidrios, cara huesuda. Era probablemente socarrarla en el oro, él habría podido llegar solamente hace algunos días. Él pudo haber tenido un gato en sus pantalones." With a flourish Tony opened his hands and gestured towards the docks. The guard blinked once or twice then extended his arm, moving Tony aside and turning his attention to Mephisto.

"He said something incomprehensible about a horseman with glasses and cats in pants." The Costa Guarda said in a thick accent to Mephisto, "Now then, what are you English looking for?" He lowered his hand onto the hilt of his sword none too subtly.

"Well, haha, you see," Mephisto smiled and teetered a little, kicking his heels on the cobblestone beside the sea, "Our friend is absolutely crazy with gold fever, and he went missing, so we believe he may have headed here in search of El Dorado, he should have arrived only a few days before us. He's very bony, and thin, he wears ridiculous clothes, and probably looked crazed." Mephisto gestured to Brandon and Tony to nod along in agreement.

"I see, regularly I would escort crazy people, like yourself and your friend, to the prison, but since I do not want to catch whatever must be spreading through the English island right now I'll tell you that such a man did pass through." With this Brandon exhaled a sigh of relief, "Yes, he rowed here."

"WHAT!" The three of them shouted, shocked at such a feat, with neither wind, nor stores of food he had manged to beat a sailing ship making excellent time by using his own unusually high levels of 'crazy'.

"Yes, a thin Englishmen in a cape came to the harbor and pulled his boat onto the shore, he mumbled about a lost city and promptly ran up the main street and into the jungle, following the main path. He was fast as well, you would have a hard time keeping up with him if he kept that pace in the jungle. Then again, he was probably eaten by a snake at this point." The Costa Guarda smiled at the thought.

"I told you, snake snack! I'll never get my money back!" Brandon shook his huge fist at Tony.

"What? You're looking for him because he owes you money?" Mephisto turned to the two companions of the lost scholar.

"Not entirely, but that is a concern, I just didn't want to mention it earlier because I didn't want you thinking we had ulterior motives for this search." Brandon jabbed a finger at Mephisto.

"But you did, quite clearly, not that it's a big deal, I mean I was just terribly enthused by the chance to get outside." Mephisto patted Brandon on the shoulder. By now the Costa Guarda had become worried that these Englishmen were actually crazy, and with little noise he backed away from the conversation and looked for a thief to beat up for money. "So, Mr. Wilson, do you have any other reason to find him?"

"Well, it would really stink if he was dead, but he did also owe me lunch."

"Lunch?"

"Yeah, he told me that if I completed his 'maze of death' he would buy me lunch." Tony looked up and gave a little look around, it was always interesting to see what kind of choices different towns made when it came to road placement and overall civic dynamics.

"A maze of death?" Mephsito looked to Brandon who shook his head showing he had no part of it.

"Oh, he just called it that, it was a hand drawn maze, full of weird little open spots that described some horrible way your character died, like 'lava monster', or 'dude with skulls for eyes'. He made a pretty bad mistake though, because he drew the beginning and ending paths, but forgot to make them branch out, so once you started you automatically would go to the end. So he owes me a free lunch." Tony smiled, Mephisto shrugged this off, obviously Tony was interested in finding Chris and this lunch played no part of it.

"Alright, all of this aside, lets get to the jungle, we need to find Chris before he gets poisoned, or eaten, or poisoned by something intent on eating him." Mephisto began trudging up the street towards the hills at the far side of the town.

As they approached the outskirts of Nombre De Dios they quickly saw the well marked path leading into the jungle. The dirt's was well worn and muddy in spots, the air thick with strange smells and the echoing calls of birds hidden in the brush. The group made their way into the foliage, swatting at flies and keeping an eye open for any of the various deadly animals that prowl the area. Mephisto regretted not bringing his cutlass along, knowing that at best he had a single bullet from his pistol to protect them, provided the powder wasn't too wet, or in a worst worse case scenario the whole gun exploded as they were sometimes apt to do.

The green rarely opened out from the sides of the road, it was merely a rolling, undulating part of the landscape, the gnarled roots appearing as tentacles from under the thorny bushes and long fronds from above. Small frogs hopped across the road ahead of them, and in the distance hills could be seen, also covered in brilliant jade jungles. Tony looked about in amazement as parrots flitted from tree to tree above him, Brandon sighed, the exertion was deeply annoying, as he would much rather be at home cooking crepes.

As the trio passed along the jungle road, Mephisto caught a glimpse of something, nestled in the brush on the side of the road. It was white and hairy, and as he drew closer he could see a small amount of red around what was once its neck.

"What did you find?" Brandon asked, back to Mephisto eyes watching the treeline for danger.

"It looks like," Mephisto moved a leaf from the animals head, " a goat?" Mephisto stood puzzled, it was a goat, laying on the side of the road, with circle of red holes on its neck, its body emaciated and dry looking. "Something sucked this goat to death." Mephisto pointed, waving Brandon and Tony over to see.

"That's gross, don't touch that." Tony leaned away from the dead animal.

"Man, I can't cook that, what are you trying to do here jungle, mock me?" Brandon looked to the sky, half expecting Thor to drop down laughing prepared for a rematch.

"Mr. Wilson, any clue what this animal might have been attacked by?" Mephisto squatted by the furry white body.

"Not really, strange beasts were really Chris' forte. It does appear to have been sucked to death, so we are dealing with an animal that dines on goats, and has a rounded toothy mouth, which once attached to the goat, suck the blood from them."

"Yes, I really can't remember any previous mention of such a creature."

"Well, since we are likely dealing with a new species we should name it, something in the local tongue so they'll know what to look for." Tony nodded to Mephisto, it seems they had stumbled upon an important scientific discovery and were duty bound to record it.

"Well Mr. Wilson, what is the Spanish words for 'Goat Sucker', as that is both its prey and chosen method of consumption." Mephisto rose to his feet, lowering the leaf back over the goat.

"Ughh," Tony's mouth opened instinctively and his eyes narrowed, he stood motionless and made a low 'umm' sound, finally he remembered and gestured down to the goat, "Chulupa-Cabra, I believe that's the proper term."

"Excellent, we must then be on our guard for this Chulupacabra, and hope it has not mistaken our friend for a goat." Mephisto began trudging back up the path towards the location of the lost city of El Dorado.

"What do you think the chances are of Chris being mistaken for a goat and getting eaten?" Brandon gave a look to Tony.

"I'd prefer not to think about it."

"You're right better than average."

End Part 2

Mephistopheles and the Lost Scholar

St. Eustatius cooked under the hot summer sun, the bricks and white walls flickered in the heat, small lizards stepped onto the stone paths leading to the governors mansion and promptly dropped dead from heat stroke. To further aggravate the situation for the islanders it was exceptionally humid as well. It was on days like these that Mephisto sought out the comfort of the secret catacombs under the mansion, where the air was cool and there were fewer dead lizards. He had created a small space for himself in a large chamber, which presumably lay somewhere between the catacombs entrance in the outlying hills and the mansion. In this space he had a few books, maps, a large chair, and a rope leading to a bell which when pulled would notify someone in the mansion that he needed assistance. To light the space, rather than depend on candles Mephisto had consented to allow the scholar Chris to attempt to fashion a series of mirrors that would bring outside light in, provided they were angled correctly. The scheme had worked after a fashion, though it was extremely complicated and prone to random failure when a bat or bird would fly into one of the mirrors and knock it off center.

It was here that Mephisto sat in his chair, sipping tea and reading a book of poetry he had received from Orpheus a short while after the wedding. It was alright, he thought, though terribly morose, and still very whiny. He pondered how Eurydice must have felt to have him back, no doubt she preferred he remain at the bottom of the sea. Sitting languidly in his chair he read the book, though with little focus being paid to the page, his mind was wandering as the words flicked by. He found it easier to day dream this way, to him sitting in a chair and simply letting the mind wander was a hard feat, no, he needed an object of attention that he could neglect with his little mental adventures. When Penelope returned from her trip to England she had assured him that they would depart immediately again for someplace out of the way, as they had both been bitten by the bug of adventure and could hardly spend two days in a single spot without seeking something new. Mephisto flipped a page, carefully balancing his mind so that he wouldn't think too hard about the words, or how many pages he had eyeballed without absorbing any of it. He thought of how he could quickly call the crew back from whatever they were doing in town and they could set out for the jungles of Brazil, or go to the far side of the continent and climb the mountains in Peru searching for lost things, and on the way, to keep the crew happy, they could capture Spanish ships. Yes all of this would be nice he thought, he had let his mind wander now so far from its original place that he had only barely noticed a slight ringing. It was this ringing that now snapped him back to 'reality'. Glancing up he saw his 'bell' was ringing fiercely, meaning someone in the mansion needed his immediate attention. In one swift motion he was up from his seat, his arms akimbo, his right hand snatching the poetry book he had just launched into the air. He laid it quickly down on his chair and yanked the chord next to his bell to let the person on the far end know he was on his way. Before completely exiting the chamber he snatched up his ornate pistol and pulled back the hammer, one could never be sure when a visitor was an old opponent out for revenge.

"I wonder who this could be?" Mephisto mumbled to himself scrambling up the sloping stone steps, the heat become more and more palpable the closer he got to the exit. He saw the light ahead, emanating from the open door leading into Penelope's former bed chamber. He could see figures in the brightly lit room, gesturing at each other wildly, Mephisto pursed his lips and lowered the pistol a little closing in on the exit. Bursting from the shadowy hole Mephisto could now clearly see who his desperate visitors were, to his left Brandon, the world class chef, his brow heavy with sweat, and to his right Tony the scholar, who appeared equally damp.

"We need your help!" They both exclaimed raising their hands in the air.

"With what? What's wrong? Pirates, Spanish? Are there ghosts? Giants? Giant Spanish ghost pirates? I heard they might exist...maybe." Mephisto searched his memory for any reference previously made to such an oddity, he knew there had to be some time it had come up and it,

"Chris has gone missing!" Tony pointed out the door.

" Really, he never goes anywhere, at least not without one of you two."

"I know, since I talked them into moving back to St. Eustatius from Port Royale we've been inseparable! But now Poof!" Brandon swung his arms wide depicting the bodily disappearance of his friend.

"Hmm, well, what happened? When did you know he was missing?" Mephisto gestured for the two men to take seat on the bed, if for no other reason than they seemed about to faint.

"Why this morning it finally settled in to us that he might have disappeared." Tony said, cocking an eyebrow at Mephisto. "He disappears every once in a while, but usually gets lonesome and shows back up in less than a day, well it's been a full three days and no sign! He just walked out the front door of the shack and never said a word...now, now we just don't know."

"He coulda been eaten by jaguars! Or snakes, you know how tiny he is, he's like a appetizer for jungle animals." Brandon clenched his fist for emphasis.

"Well, there must be somewhere he went, one doesn't simply vanish into this air. Think, both of you, where would he wander off to, especially for any length of time, and without telling you where or why he was going?" Mephisto grabbed a stool and positioned in front of the chef and scholar.

"There's no place on the island I can think of, anytime he wants to go do something he takes one of us, and he's got no other friends here except you, but since you're here he mustn't have come to see you. Besides, what's he want to talk to you for? It's not like you guys have a hell of a lot in common!" Brandon sighed and scratched his head, Mephisto frowned a little, he always thought he was a very good friend and would make a great person to visit.

"So you think he left the island, and kept his destination secret? Where in the Caribbean would he go to, any ideas?" Mephisto thumbed the handle of his pistol and noticed it was still cocked, carefully he pulled the trigger and holding the little flint arm lowered the hammer, he didn't want to have to retrieve any more people from the underworld unless he absolutely had to.

"The Caribbean sucks, there is nothing here anyone would want to visit. All there is here is Spaniards, mosquitoes, pirates, blistering heat, jungles and gold. Waitaminute." Brandon turned to Tony, who opened his eyes wide as well. the two friends blinked in disbelief, had they solved the puzzle? "Chris went to El Dorado!"

"What?" Mephisto narrowed his eyes a little, glancing at the two now extremely animated men.

"Of course, when we stumbled on it all that time ago, we almost had to leave him he was so attached to that gold statue! He's got terrible gold fever. Maybe he's been secretly plotting this all along, he was just waiting, waiting for us to drop our guard, then whoomf! He runs off to the golden city!" Tony shrugged, he was certain now Chris was doomed. "He's probably on a little boat, headed for Panama, then he'll wander into the jungle hoping to retrace our steps back to the city."

"You think he would do something so completely irresponsible and insane?"

"Have you met him? Gold fever aside he's the poster child for stupid plans!" Brandon rose to his feet, "We've got to go to Panama and see if we can catch up with him! There is no way my friends going to get kileld in a jungle, unless I'm the one killin' him...out of love. i added that last bit so you guys wouldn't think I killed him or something." Brandon bounced a little on the bed looking from Mephisto to Tony, abruptly he raised his fists.

"Of course not, I don't have any reason to believe you would kill Chris Mr. Frazier." Mephisto rose from the stool and turned for the door, "Come on, lets head for the docks and see if we can get a ship to take us to Panama." Mephsito gestured for his two cohorts to follow.

"You aren't going to gather the crew?" Tony asked inquisitively.

"No, we'll keep this private, the crew would want at least some kind of prize, besides the city of gold mind you. Just getting there they'd want to attack something, so I think it best we travel in secret." Mephisto walked briskly towards the front door of the governors mansion, his shoes clicking down the flight of stairs, his hand extended to grab his coat, which hung neatly on a hook by the large door.

The three men arrived at the docks via carriage, not without undue adulation at the fact that they didn't have to walk the three miles in the sweltering warmth. Stepping from the carriage Mephisto snapped the door shut and asked the driver to return to the mansion, and to leave word with Governor Logan that he would be back in no time at all.

"Now then, lets see if we can find someone to take us to Panama." Mephisto led the way onto the wooden piers, his eyes skipping from ship to ship, noting which ones appeared to be leaving, and which had only just arrived. Amongst these he noted a small sloop, in need of careening, making ready to leave port, the name on the stern read Unicorn. Mephisto skipped ahead a little, noting an older man barking orders to the three visible crewman, the mans face was extremely care worn and weathered, burnt into leather by many days like this. "Excuse me!" Mephisto gave a shout the man glanced over his shoulder and eyeballed the three men.

"We're leavin'! No need to further tax us on the account of our departure, we have had full enough thank ye very much" He coughed at them, backing steadily towards the gang plank.

"No, we aren't with the Port Authority, we're looking to charter a ship." Mephisto explained waving his hands, his long legs kicked into rigid attention upon reaching the squat old man.

"Really?! You want us to take ye somewhere?" The old man beamed.

"Yes, we were actually hoping to go to Panama, Nombre De Dios to be more exact."

"No problem! Climb aboard, we'll leave at once." The old man began guiding Mephisto by the arm to the gang plank then turned and began quickly undoing the ropes keeping the Unicorn moored.

Once out to sea Mephisto settled in comfortably at the bow of the small ship, Brandon and Tony on the deck playing cards, while the old captain smoked a pipe contentedly.

"Ye truly are a blessing sir." The old man smiled, scanning the horizon, "Before ye came along we had been stuck in port for two weeks, nobody wants to hire us because they're afraid we'll fall ta pieces due to the rot in the hull."

"Oh, it's no problem, my old ship was full of holes for quite some time," Mephisto thought back to the Incognito and its mostly wrecked upper decks, "I simply needed this done quickly and without complaint, we have a friend to rescue." Mephisto looked out to the South West, pondering where in route Chris was.

"Well, don't ya worry, if yer in need of a trip back we'll probably be right where ye left us. My names Scrubrush by the way, Arthur Scrubrush."

"Ahh, very good, you can call me Mephisto, everyone else does, my associates are Mr. Frazier and Mr. Wilson." Mephisto turned to his friends who looked up and waved.

"Nobody but him calls us that, I'm Brandon and this is Tony, if you need help in the kitchen ask me, if you need help teaching your men how to read ask him." Brandon pointed to Tony who coughed a little.

"Actually I'm a history and government scholar, you know, 1066, Magna Carta and all that." Tony smiled then turned back to his game.

"I see, well glad to have ya aboard all the same." Arthur said, dumping the burned up contents of his pipe out over the sea. Mephisto carefully pulled himself onto the bowsprit and lightly made his way over the moldy safety net stretching out on his back to watch the sky turn from blue, to gold, red and finally the deep purples and black of night. It was good to be off the island he thought, if only for a little while.

end part 1

West Coast Style

So I was explaining a term I used today, the term being "Bro-ham", which I suppose in a traditional spelling would be "brougham", though the meaning is different than 'carriage'. Anyway, Bro-hams I consider to be the appropriate term to use when describing a American West Coast Townie.

You knows townies right? There the people you see in bar scenes in movies that take place in the mid west. They wear shit kickers and cowboy hats, drink bear and have truck nutz. they're the people in the movie that get inevitably beat the fuck up in the bar fight, like cannon fodder for whoever the tough guy is. They're a little less idiotic than rednecks, but not by much, they are simply local people who never got out of town and have drunk their few good brain cells away. Well the term Townie only really works on those people, on the West Coast we need an entirely different term because although the mental acuity is identical, the physical description is different.

Thus I use Bro-ham, or Bra-ham, these gentleman wear dickies or board shorts, are deeply tanned and wear sunglasses at all hours. They hang out at all the "local" bars and eateries, instead of working on a farm and drinking they surf and drink. Also intriguingly enough is that Bro-hams are very age exclusive. You can get a 40 something Townie, but Bro-hams kind of fizzle out around 30. They lower their trucks, ditch the board except maybe on weekends and work as a middle manager at a kinkos. The interesting thing however is that movies still will use townies in bar scenes in west coast locales, when the reality is that our seedy bars don't have townies usually, just washed up hipsters there for ambiance.

So if you go to Dukes and there a guy with sun bleached hair, no shirt and sun glasses, with a shit eating grin...he's a Bro-ham.

Car Trouble!

"Have you ever had trouble with your automobile?" Adam Ant

So yes, I am now the owner of a 1986 Cadillac Sedan Deville, which as it turns out is a much maligned car. You see the car itself looks fine, and has no real noticeable issues, even its spare is in excellent shape. However as it turns out there is a monster under the hood.

The 86 Cadillac Deville has an HT 4100 V8 engine, which as I understand it has quite the history of random catastrophic failure, mainly due to airflow issues wherein the air intake fan simply never flicks on. Besides this there are problems with coolant leaks in the engine and other such and such. This however is not my current concern. You see I purchased the car on Monday, drove it home and found to my surprise the following morning that it was completely dead. Fortunately I could tell it was the easier to fix kind of dead. There was no power, none at all, and I determined that the battery must therefore be the problem. What to do eh? Well in the dead of night i tried jump starting the car, but without any flashlights or source of visual reference blindly affixed the cable to what I had determined to be the positive and negative terminals, I was completely right incidentally. However the car would not start. So today I set about with the toolbox and decided I would remove the battery, take it to Kragens and have them dispose of it whilst also giving me a rebate for the new battery. Once I opened the hood however I discovered that I had affixed the negative cord to a 'metal' rod, that was actually wrapped in plastic. Perfect I thought, and quickly set about trying to jump start it again. This time it worked, with the negative clasped to the vehicles metal interior edge.

The car started and I went driving, if for no other reason than because I needed to charge the dang thing back up. I pondered what had caused the battery to drain, seeing as how I could not accurately identify any light sources that were on. As I drove though I noticed an acrid smell. GADZOOKS! It was the lights in the ceiling, they were burning hot, to place a thumb print of water on them was to watch it disappear in a evaporated mist. Poke the off button on them as I may they would not stay off. Then after leaving the car for a time i noticed that an additional two lights in the back of the car were trapped in a permanent 'on'!

So I quickly decided to bump up the inspection on the car by my mechanic at Dikes-Thornton Automotive. The car will be left there till Monday, its wiring will be inspected and then the engine and other bits will be looked over and I will decide what bits he finds worth repairing will be repaired.

Such trouble! Hopefully the catastrophic engine failure will miss me.

Unveiling!

Well then, my two tests have been completed. I know what my car will be themed after, and I also have a rough idea of how many people read this. I probably have 5 readers (so impotent), and my car shall be themed after a British Spitfire. The car in question will be a 1986 Cadillac Coupe Deville, showing here...

So it will be something of a task converting this vehicle to the more classy Spitfire.