Anyway, so the year is 499 BC and Ionia is having a problem. Ionia was pretty much the whole of modern Turkey, though rather than Turks it was inhabited by Greeks who had colonized the area, Troy was located in Ionia incidentally. Well Sixty years before then the Persians had rolled in and conquered the whole place and elected a tyrant to watch over everything. Apparently this wasn't going over so well, and sensing that he may lose his position as unquestioned ruler of the region the tyrant in charge of Ionia incited the Greeks to rebel against the Persians and throw off their swarthy yoke. When news of the revolt reached Athens and Eretria they promptly sent soldiers to aid in the conflict, hoping to defeat the Persians and return the region to their control. The leader of the Persians, one Darius the Great, however had different plans.
Those plans really revolved around beating the Ionian's asses so completely that they wouldn't pull this shit again. To no ones surprise he was totally successful in his plan and by 493 BC he had pacified the region. However he had one remaining problem...Greece. Because Athens and Eretria had assisted in the revolt they would need to be conquered as well. So begins the first Greco-Persian War.
You can actually make out some of what happened from the above map. Darius sent his Son-in-Law Mardonius to conquer the Greeks and initially everything seemed to be going his way. Thrace in the North had been a vassal of Persia since 513 BC and it was quickly reintroduced into the fold and Macedon was an ally of Persia so it also allowed the Persian army through without opposition. With a massive force amassing on the Greek border Darius asked rather politely for the city states to surrender. He received a big affirmative from everyone...except two. Athens and SPARTA both executed the ambassadors in defiance. Now with the interior of Greece at war with him Darius ordered the army to advance. Towns were razed and Greeks were enslaved as the Persian army moved forward. Darius gave orders for a invasion by sea of Eretria, the city that had aided the Ionians, and after six days under siege two Eretrians betrayed the city and let the Persians in to enslave their people. Eretrians...cool folk. Anyway, the Persian army then headed South to Marathon, where the Greek army was waiting under the guidance of Miltiades, a veteran of the Ionian revolt. Miltiades and his army fought for five days, pinning the Persian army on the beach. Finally, and for reasons that are entirely a mystery to historians the Greeks attacked in force and slaughtered the Persians, driving them back to their boats and into the sea. This however wasn't the end of the battle, the Greeks quickly turned and marched at top speed twenty five miles back to Athens to scare off another landing force that had been sailing towards the city. Victory was secured and the Greeks had defeated the greatest empire in the world. Darius was pissed.
However as soon as Darius' shattered army returned home he began raising a force that would be so powerful no army could defeat it. Sadly for him as he was doing this the Egyptians revolted and he had to postpone his plans...and then extra sad for him he died. At which point his empire passed to his son Xerxes.
Yeah, I think we all know where this is going. Xerxes stone crushed the Egyptians and started preparing for war with Greece. In 481 troops were mustered from dozens of nations under Xerxes control and after a winter of stockpiling, the Persian Army was ready to finish the Greeks once and for all. This wasn't so terrible however because the Persians had received requests from a number of Greek city states to be added to the fold, so technically speaking it was just Athens and SPARTA that were ruining everyone's good time.
Meanwhile in Greece the hero of Marathon, Miltiades had been injured in a fight and seeing an opportunity a wealthy family prosecuted him for deceiving them into fighting the Persians and he was fined. Fortunately for him he died, good luck collecting on your jerk tax in Hades! In place of Miltiades a general named Themistocles rose to prominence and after a lucky gold strike near Athens he had the money put into building a better navy. South in Sparta however an old power struggle had seen the old Spartan king deposed years before, after which he went into exile and began working as an adviser to Darius and then Xerxes. It is said that he sent a blank wax tablet to the Spartans warning of the planned invasion, at which time it can be assumed the Spartans popped like ten million boners. The war began in earnest in 480 BC when the Persian army under Xerxes marched south through Thrace and Macedon towards the combined Greek armies. At the moment however the Olympic games had begun and for Sparta fighting during the games was extremely sacrilegious.
Also, let me just say...WTF? As though Sonic would fucking lose cross country? Against an Italian plumber at that?
Naturally there was some trouble with this, so the Spartan king Leonidas went out on a limb and took his personal guard to fight the Persians rather than completely offend the Gods. Some might think that this was madness...instead we prefer to think that THIS IS
Dumb as hell. You happy now?
Good. Anyway, Leonidas and his 300 Spartans wander on over to Thermopylae with the allied Greek armies and wait for the Persians in a narrow pass. Basically it was the absolute best place to put hoplite infantry ever...just one tiny impenetrable wall of spears and shields...seriously how do you even flank that? Xerxes sees the Greeks intend to fight and repeatedly charges the encampment but fails to dislodge them, fortunately, in fabulous Greek tradition, a local betrays the Greeks and tells Xerxes about a secret path behind the choke point. Leonidas dismisses the Greek army when he sees what has happened, ordering only 2,000 soldiers to stay behind and they stall the Persian army to buy time. They dined in hell and all that rubbish. Anyway, out at sea the Greek navy was busily defeating the Persian navy, ruining hopes of a future landing. The Persians advanced and after a series of battles they found themselves dissolving into retreat and in 479 BC the Greeks counterattacked and drove the Persians out of Greece.
I think now would be a good place to stop, though next time we'll pick up with the Greeks again and see how they formed the Delian League and pursued the Persians across their empire. Finally for your enjoyment...
Yaaaaaaay! Welcome back. :)
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