Anyway, so Ms. Bay, I say Ms because I do not know if she's married or not, is effectively a secretary for a very important person in the company. A secretary in effect, with some ancillary powers, like looking after employee goods, as in "There are not enough forks in building D, could we please order more forks." Anyway, she has an extremely inflated sense of worth, and also absolutely hates security. When I say hates I mean it, in the most detached and pointless way possible. she hates us in that kind of weird way where you want to ruin and destroy a group of people...people who are trying to in all regards help you. People who if you get rid of them you need to replace...but with what? I mean seriously, of all the groups at a company to try to eliminate and belittle security is not the one, because if you get rid of us, who will grant you access to the buildings? Who will reserve your parking, and most importantly, who will call the police when a gun wielding maniac shows up demanding to see the Flaming Lips in concert. So anyway, Michael Bay hates us, and no amount of racism, misogynistic high school sex sub plots or explosions will satisfy her rage. She will find access to a building denied and will call us in a fit of rage, explaining that she has always had access, and that to not have access at this critical juncture means that the doors need to all be replaced by us, and that we should all also be deeply ashamed of ourselves for not foreseeing her misfortune.
Then there was today's rage inducing sub plot of her regular war with security, you see today I was notified I would need an extra set of keys, specifically to lock cabinets in the building E break room. Why you might ask? Because coffee and coffee cups were going missing, or rather, that they were having to order more, more frequently than they used to. So because she is some kind of 'hate harpy', a winged mythological beast whose utterances and dark tongue are all derived of that same said emotion...
She assumed that this change in a traditional dynamic could only be explained away by theft. Someone was stealing coffee and styrofoam coffee cups. Now instead of requesting any sort of investigation, or even consulting with the people who would know she instead decided that all the cabinets in those areas needed to be locked at seven and unlocked in the morning. So when this trend continues she will naturally blame security because they are in charge of the locked cabinets where stuff is going missing from. Here are a few things wrong with her thread of logic...
1) There is no cups or coffee leaving the building. I know this because the janitors in charge of that break room have not just been here for years, they also have never received complaints about theft. Oh, and just in case you think that perhaps they have turned to a life of crime using their good credit with the guards I will also note that the actual physical evidence shows that when they leave, they don't leave with bags of cups and coffee. Well then? Who is it?
2) Michael Bay works in another building, in a whole different place than me, with different procedures, admittedly I can walk to her building, because the two are directly connected, but she doesn't come by here, and she has no clue what goes on here. The reason the coffee cups have started to run out faster is because in the last few months it has become common practice for the employees to take a bag and put it next to their respective coolers. Rather than have to walk all the way back, this of course has led to an explosion in cup use as it is no longer a work breaking ordeal to walk across the large space to get a cup of water. As for the coffee, guess what fucko?! It turns out that times are a little tough so there has been a dramatic decline in 'Starbucks Runs', meaning we are using a lot more in house coffee, and also, the employees have been placing bags and bags of the stuff near their portable, localized machines. Of course this is all pretty obvious when you work in the building, and perhaps if you asked someone who worked in the building, but NOOOOO, you have to assume that it's theft, change the rules of the game, and also tarnish the reputation of the only decent janitors we have. Michael Bay you are the biggest and most reviled bitch on the planet, and I fucking hate you. You should probably ask us if it's possible that there is some other reason more coffee is being used, besides theft. Christ!
You get em Nick!
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