A Complete History of the World Part 5: Ancient Greece 1100 BC TROJAN WAR

So when we last left off we we're watching the world of the Greeks spiral into chaos as a war with Troy loomed and poor Odysseus is dragged off to fight. So lets get this post movin' and get the Delorean revved up.


At the gathering of the Generals at Aulis a sacrifice was made to Athena. When the blood was done running a snake slithered out from the temple, climbed a tree and ate a sparrow and it's nine babies, then abruptly turned to stone. Instead of taking this as a sign that everything was fucked up beyond all recognition they decided it meant that Troy would fall in ten years.

Now this mighty host was ready to beat much ass, except for the part where they had no idea where Troy was or how to get there. That's right, they had no clue where their enemy was.


So the fleet sets sail and arrives at the Kingdom of Mysia, ruled by King Telephus of the Arcadians, son of Hercules. Guess what, rather than ask for directions Achilles stone stabs the dude and leaves with the fleet, getting crazy lost and eventually ending up back at Aulis.


Sadly for Telephus his wound refuses to heal, and after asking the Oracle what he can do about this it is explained that he can only be healed by the one that wounded him. Telephus goes all the way to Aulis and asks Achilles to tend to his wound. Achilles natural response is to say "Dude I'm 15 I have no clue what medicine is, my major is stabbing things, not unstabbing them." So Telephus takes Achilles spear and scrapes some pieces of metal off it and stuffs his wound with them, and magically it heals. Telephus then gives the Greek army directions to Troy, because he's not a sore loser.

So now that the army is reorganized...EIGHT YEARS LATER! A thousand ships set out for Troy. Upon their arrival fighting began in earnest, that is after a dire warning was given that the first person off the boats would be the first to die in the war. Achilles decided he'd wait and let Protesilaus go first, which got him summarily killed. What a big man you are Achilles. With a few guys dead all around the Trojans retreated into their city and closed the door. This went on for NINE MORE YEARS! That's right, they just kind of milled around hoping the war would end, without actually besieging the city either, just sitting out in front of it. Achilles kept busy though, going crazy all over the Aegean, conquering towns left and right for no good God damned reason.

With the war dragging on and everyone getting crazy fucking sick of it we finally see the army mutiny and demand an end to hostilities. Sadly Achilles manages to persuade the army to hang out and not leave, because he isn't done rampaging all over the damned place. Agamemnon kidnaps the daughter of a Trojan who then prays to Apollo for help, causing the allied invaders to be struck with plague. Agamemnon turns around and asks Achilles to hand over his own woman since he was forced to return the kidnapped daughter. Achilles naturally feels insulted by this and refuses to fight, a huge boon for the Trojans because Achilles kill ratio to anyone else in the invading armies was like 12,000 to 1. The man was a meat grinder, a spinning murder top. Eventually the two armies actually decide to have a real fight, which ends with Menelaus challenging Paris to a dual, wherein he beats Paris' ass. Paris is saved at the last minute by Aphrodite, who was still grateful for the Golden Apple she won because of him.



So Achilles, still refusing to fight minces around the Aegean whilst the Gods roll 20 sided dice to determine whose loyalties will lay where. So Zeus tells the Trojans that he'll supply them a great warrior, Thetis, since Achilles is gone. I guess this would be like renting a car, but only under the promise that the roads wont be populated by only drunk drivers, putting a hero onto a field of battle with Achilles is a death sentence and apparently Zeus didn't feel like losing another good fighter. Anyway the Trojans beat the Allies asses all the way to their ships before Patroclus, who happens to be Achilles BFF, dons the wayward douche bags armor and sends them screaming back to Troy. Sadly Apollo shows up and stops Patroclus, just in time for the Trojan's greatest hero Hector to run him through...like crazy!

So guess what! Achilles is now extremely pissed off that his best buddy is dead!



He comes back, gets his girl back from Agamemnon, gets armor specially made by Hephaestus (God of Forging Stuff) and goes on a murder rampage, killing every fool he sees, forcing the Trojans into their city, save Hector who gets tricked by Athena into staying outside. What happens next? Well lets see...Achilles is a juiced up psychopath and Hector is...his name is Hector, he sounds like a Greek version of Garfield.



Achilles kills Hector and drags his corpse behind a chariot for a while before headin' back to camp. It takes intervention by the Gods to get him to hand over the body for a proper burial. Abruptly another Trojan ally arrives! THE AMAZONS!


No, I'm sorry, I can't take these Amazon's seriously, we're going to need new Amazons...


So the Amazons arrive under the leadership of Penthesilia, who goes on her own killing spree, until Achilles gets to her. Achilles stone kills the leader of the Amazons, then finds out that she's beautiful and wishes he hadn't done it. Amusingly enough the ugliest soldier in the whole army walks by and makes fun of Achilles for having a soft spot for the girl he just killed, then gouges out her eyes.



I bet he even said "ain't so pretty no more," afterward too.

So Achilles feels guilty and goes to the island of Lesbos to ask for forgiveness. While away the great king Memnon comes from the East conquering everything in his path, intent on saving Troy. He battles the newly forgiven Achilles, who stone kills him. Why the fuck even try? Why? You try to stomp Achilles yard and he will go crazy on you. Funny thing though, Zeus and the Gods weigh the fight, between Achilles and Memnon, and find that poor Memnon's 'Win Weight' was sinking, so they let Achilles annihilate him. Now Zeus becomes upset that Achilles has simply killed too many sons of the Gods, too...damned...many, and has Paris fire a poison arrow at him, guided by Apollo. The arrow hits the mark and Achilles is killed, though all the variations of this make sure to point out that he was totally awesome, and that the killer sucked...balls.



So with Achilles dead Ajax and our nutty friend Odysseus grabbed the body and fought their way back to the Allies lines. Agamemnon then decided to give away Achilles armor to the smartest of his warriors, except that Odysseus and Ajax both stepped forward requesting the title. Agamemnon, worried over pissing off Ajax, decided to let the Trojan prisoners decide, by asking who had done them more harm. It was decided that Odysseus would get the armor and Ajax went into a blind rage. Athena quickly cast a spell on him, causing him to mistake a group of cattle for the Allied armies. Ajax hacked and slashed his way through this false army until he came to his senses and killed himself for being so stupid.

After this episode a series of prophecies, each dumber than the last, had to be fulfilled to win the war for the Allies. Odysseus (eager to get home) went about completing one task after another, until finally after a series of adventures that saw quite a bit of vandalism, plus the death of Paris, he came up with his best plan to stop this madness.



Yes, the Trojan war was completely insane. Odysseus came up with the brilliant ruse of crafting and enormous wooden horse(sacred to the Trojans), hiding inside of it, then letting the rest of the army leave so the Trojans would come out and take the horse back in the city. With the plan in action Odysseus and a number of soldiers awaited their fate in the wooden horse, now within the city of Troy. The Trojans quarreled over whether they should offer the horse up to Athena, burn it for fun, or throw it off a cliff...also for fun. At the same time a Trojan women Cassandra, who had been given the power of prophecy, but also the curse of never being believed warned against keeping the horse. Also, as if there weren't enough dire portents a giant serpent rose from the sea and ate two important Trojans. After much thought they decided to hold onto the horse and get super drunk.

Naturally the soldiers came out of their horse, signaled the waiting Allied fleet and Troy was sacked...sacked, burned, obliterated, the women raped in the streets then thrown from walls. All the potential rulers of Troy were killed, and Cassandra was raped in a temple of Athena by Ajax the Lesser, who was spared by Athena after much whimpering. So the Gods were furious, since besides the city, all their temples were destroyed as well...or if not destroyed were witness to all manner of sacrilege. As result it was decided that a majority of the Allies should die on their way home, or if not die, then become horribly lost, except a general named Nestor who decided not to loot and burn Troy, he was rewarded with an uneventful trip home. Odysseus, clever fellow that he was suffered all manner of troubles at the hands of the Gods because of his involvement with the destruction of Troy. Naturally his story comprises the Odyssey, wherein he spends another decade trying to get home whilst assholes try to sleep with his wife.

So with that we bring the "history" of the Trojan War to a conclusion, join us again later for the next chapter in the development of mankind in THE COMPLETE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!