History! April 24th + Time and Space

Well at least one thing that happened in the past was interesting today. however here's something that has always intrigued me, time and space. You see I love history, and the thought that at a point in time in a certain place something happened where real living people, with lives and plans met and something happened. Naturally then I have an interest in the idea of traveling through time. Now then, that's slightly complicated when I think about it, and it's something I've never really noticed explained or considered in time travel fiction, that thing being your 'place' in time. You see the Earth isn't just spinning around the Sun in space, the whole solar system is also moving and spinning, so where we are now is not where we were a thousand years ago, dig? This creates for me a concern, if you drop me off at a vector in space, at a point in time, wont I be dropped off gasping in the void, even if the Earth is relatively close by even an error of a few miles or minutes could kill me in horrible ways. So then, if you have heard someone speak about this issue please raise your hand, I would love to know the solution.

So, lets get back to the point, History!

1184, the Greeks use the Trojan horse to enter the city of Troy, where they go batshit insane and kill everyone, 'cuz that's how the Greeks roll.

Go get 'em lads.

1558, Mary Queen of Scots marries the Dauphin of France at Notre Dame, afterwards she pleasantly remarks "Man, could life get any better? There is no way I'm getting decapitated the way things are going."

1800 the Library of Congress is founded, John Adams told congress he needed 5,000 dollars to buy all the books Congress could potentially need. After that initial investment was burned in the War of 1812 Thomas Jefferson supplied the replacements, because he pretty much owned every book in North America, not that he found time to read between writing pamphlets and being a dick to his slaves. Now the Library of Congress has millions of books, all at the disposal of our legislative body, in case they need them to understand government, for example I'm certain the epic political tome "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" is a favorite amongst representatives.

Dashed bad luck that.

1898, Aww shit, President McKinley gets his wish and America declares war on Spain. So today marks the beginning of the Spanish American War, this being like the fourth completely unnecessary American war, right after the War of 1812, the Mexican/American War (However I do like living in California, thank you Polk), the Indian Wars, and of course now this shit. McKinley wanted an excuse to flex Americas muscles and show the world it was hot shit and that everyone needed to be nervous. At the same time Teddy Roosevelt (a rival and major nuisance to McKinley) was all hot and bothered by the prospect of a war that he could be in. So we marched off and beat the ever loving snot out of Spain, a country that hadn't had a good day since the Armada got blown of course in the 17th century. Roosevelt incidentally beat so much ass that America fell in love with him, and to keep him from getting his hands into government McKinley offered him the vice presidency when he ran for re-election. This was of course a brilliant stroke, because vice presidents can't do dick, and they usually fade from the spotlight as a result, that is until you get assassinated by Leon Czolgosz (pronounced Sholgosh).

Oh look at them laugh.

1915, we see the beginning of the Armenian Genocide, which according to earlier ads from Turkey on my home page, never happened. Yeah right Turkey, like I believe you at all.

1916, the Easter uprising begins, wherein Patrick Pearse, James Connolly, and Joseph Plunkett all start gettin' up in the faces of the hated British in Ireland. I recommend you all now go and listen to as many Irish nationalist tunes as you can find.

1918, in the now dwindling World War I we see the first tank to tank combat of the war, when three British Mark IV's ran into three German A7V's...the fight was probably really confusing and boring, here's the contestants...

That just screams Britain doesn't it, like a big 'ole pot of stew, in a pub with a bulldog squattin' in a corner licking his unmentionables.

Well, isn't that just so...efficient? No wonder you lost the war, you built toaster ovens instead of tanks.

1926, the Treaty of Berlin is signed, it says that Germany and Russia wont go to war for five years if a third party starts shit, you know, if the cause of World War I happens all over again, 'cuz everyone just stone jonesin' for a fight. Never mind that the thing you should be really worried about is the crippling economic conditions or the annoying guy shaking his fists and screaming about Jews.

1953, Winston Churchill is knighted by the Queen. Really, not you know, after the war, like the week it ended...'53? What was it even for the war, or did you just give him the knighthood because he gave you a really cool record player as a birthday present. I mean Christ, he's so fuckin' British he owns that pub with the bulldog licking itself. He calls it the Freckled Dick, the pub, not the dog.

1967, Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov dies on the Soyuz 1 when his parachute doesn't open. This is the first human to die on a space mission. America, insulted that they lost this particular honor in the space race promptly kills all the astronauts in the Apollo 1, with fire, because that's more brutal than just falling to your death, when there's so much pure oxygen in your spaceship that a static shock will blow your ass to kingdom come. Way to go, America number 1.

2005, we got our new shitty Pope, you know the one who looks like Emperor Palpatine.

Feel the power of this fully armed and operational Vatican.

History! 4/14/09

Could these get any more boring? So why do I continue? Because I will it.

1775 (starting off a bit late huh) the first abolitionist group is founded in America, Society for the Relief of Free Negroes Unlawfully Held in Bondage, otherwise known as SRFNUHB, or Surfin' A Bee (all lies). The founding members were Benjamin Rush, and Benjamin Franklin. Franklin did it to get laid, Rush did it hoping he'd get some of Franklin's left overs.

1846, the Donner party leaves Springfield, Illinois on their way to kick ass California. 150 years later elementary school children everywhere will recreate their journey with the only fun educational game in existence, Oregon Trail.

1865, an actual important event and I'm glad I brought it up. I should probably make an individual post about this as well. Our 16th President Abraham Lincoln is shot at Fords Theater by the assassin John Wilkes Booth. Right now it is about 9:35 back East, and at this moment Booth is waiting at the theater. He arrived 30 minutes earlier and, because he was once an actor he is waiting for the right moment to climb the stairs to the Presidents box. At 10:15 Mary Todd, Lincoln's wife, will note that he is holding her hand, and asks what Miss Harris (a guest of Lincoln's) will think, to which Lincoln will say "She won't think anything about it." Moments later, during an outbreak of laughter from the audience (timed out by booth) Booth will shoot the President at point blank range in the back of the head with a dillinger. Major Rathbone, soon to be husband of Miss Harris, tries to grab Booth, but is stabbed. Booth attempts to climb forward towards the railing, but Rathbone grabs him again, and is rebuffed by Booth's knife again. Booth attempts a graceful leap from the Presidents box to the stage, but his riding spur catches the American flag bunting on the box and he lands awkwardly, breaking his fibula. Limping forward he turns to the audience and shouts "Sic Semper Tyrannis!" Latin for "thus always to tyrants!", the state motto of Virgina. He then fled the stage and made good his escape. Lincoln, now is non responsive, but a group of three doctors are quickly on the scene and after removing a clot from the wound he is moved across the street to William Petersen's Boarding House. Lincoln is placed on a bed there at an angle because he is too tall to lay straight up and down. At 7:22 am, on April 15th (3:22 am our time) Abraham Lincoln passed away, United States Secretary of War, Edwin Stanton was there and commented "Now he belongs to the ages."

I'll throw this up now and follow up with more in a little bit.

History! March 20th!

I don't even know why I write these, no one reads them. Except you, which is actually me, simply re reading them later. So today we are going to jump into that slimy swamp called history and pull up some catfish.





1602, we see the founding of the Dutch East India Company. this is where things start falling apart for the world. The DEIC is the first multinational corporation, as well as the first megacorporation. The Company was given a 21 year monopoly over trade in Asia, and was the first company to issue stock. how weird must that stock market be.





"So what's up today?"


"Dutch East India Company."


"What can I buy?"


"Dutch East India Company."


"Anything else?"


"Not till GE is invented."


PARADOX!





Also they had the ability to strike their own coin (make their own currency, ala Disney Bucks) and wage war. We'll see a steady increase in Piracy right after the formation of this and the British version.





1616, Walter Raleigh gets released from the Tower of London after 13 years of imprisonment. Raleigh had spent quite a bit of time wandering around the Tower before. During Queen Elizabeth's reign he had a knack for charming her into not killing him for making mistakes. He was involved in the colonizing of Virginia, and when he got home he promptly married one of Elizabeth's assistants, which is something you don't do without permission, which is exactly what he did. Quite a few people believe Raleigh was involved with the Queen in one way or another, which I tend to support based on his smarmy habit of getting out of trouble by telling Elizabeth how great she was all the time. Anyway, back to the story, Walter gets thrown in jail with his wife for a few years, then get released, he gets bored, starts telling people that there's a city of gold in South America. He keeps an eye on the royal household, which proves pretty bad for him because Elizabeth croaks and James I takes over. James hates Walter, probably because Walter tried his smarm tactic on James and James took offense. So James hurls Walter back into the Tower because he is convinced that in spite of his service to the country in the past he was probably involved with some protestants who wanted to replace him with a Spanish cousin. So on this day in history Walter was released again. His next stop? South America!





1815! Napoleon never liked being imprisoned on Elba, it didn't suit his ideas about what a "Good Time" constituted. So today after his escape and arrival on mainland France he arrives in Paris with a regular force of 140,000 and a volunteer army of 200,000. So begins Napoleon's 100 Days Rule. Across the channel the Duke of Wellington looks out his window and goes into a Dragonball powerup mode. When asked about his level he commented that it was "Over 9,000!"





1852, that bitch ass Harriet Beecher Stowe releases "Uncle Tom's Cabin". Stowe is a "Bitch Ass" because whilst on one hand trying to illuminate people to the plight of enslaved Africans she is also known to have spent time in Scotland and Ireland while writing the book and said that the Scots weren't much more than animals and deserved to be treated as such by their cruel landlords. Fuck you bitch.





















1856, William Walker is routed by Costa Rican forces. I would explain what that means more in depth but instead I will direct you to rent or purchase the film "Walker", staring Ed Harris, with cameo's by Joe Strummer, who also composed the score. Lets just say Walker was "President" of Nicaragua, and he denied a trading contract to a Vanderbilt (19th century equivalent of Bill Gates, only with the desire to see men die) who promptly sent Costa Rican troops and American mercenaries to oust him.



1916, Einstein publishes his General Theory of Relativity, to quote Bill Murray "Einstein did his best stuff as a patent clerk." SPECIAL CHALLENGE: Post the name of the movie this is from...SPECIAL SPECIAL CHALLENGE: It can't be Nate.



1933, Giuseppe Zangara is executed by electric chair in Florida. His crime? the attempted assassination of FDR. I highly recommend picking up a CD of the musical "Assassins", you learn quite a bit about this thanks to it.



1942, General Douglas "Douchebag" MacArthur lets the Philippines know that "I shall return."



1952, the US finally ratifies a peace treaty with Japan, as though in those intervening years we were worried they would hit a secret button and giant robots would shoot out of every paper house and blow up our carrier fleets.



1956, France finally lets Tunisia go, Vietnam on the other hand...



1969, John Lennon and Yoko Ono get married. I'll say this once, I don't hate her, and I'm glad the Beatles didn't keep going so they could end up like The Rolling Mummies...I mean Stones.



1999, Legoland opens, tumble weeds blow through. A distant coyote yaps at the dusty sky.



2003, We start the bomb droppin', gas guzzlin', American youth killin', Civilian maimin' adventure called the Iraq War...I'm sorry, not war "Enduring Freedom Fries of Democracy Brought to You by Pizza Hut and the Good People from Boeing."



Also, today is the second day of Quinquatria, a roman festival celebrating the birth of Minerva. Today we would have gladiatorial fights.