History! April 24th + Time and Space

Well at least one thing that happened in the past was interesting today. however here's something that has always intrigued me, time and space. You see I love history, and the thought that at a point in time in a certain place something happened where real living people, with lives and plans met and something happened. Naturally then I have an interest in the idea of traveling through time. Now then, that's slightly complicated when I think about it, and it's something I've never really noticed explained or considered in time travel fiction, that thing being your 'place' in time. You see the Earth isn't just spinning around the Sun in space, the whole solar system is also moving and spinning, so where we are now is not where we were a thousand years ago, dig? This creates for me a concern, if you drop me off at a vector in space, at a point in time, wont I be dropped off gasping in the void, even if the Earth is relatively close by even an error of a few miles or minutes could kill me in horrible ways. So then, if you have heard someone speak about this issue please raise your hand, I would love to know the solution.

So, lets get back to the point, History!

1184, the Greeks use the Trojan horse to enter the city of Troy, where they go batshit insane and kill everyone, 'cuz that's how the Greeks roll.

Go get 'em lads.

1558, Mary Queen of Scots marries the Dauphin of France at Notre Dame, afterwards she pleasantly remarks "Man, could life get any better? There is no way I'm getting decapitated the way things are going."

1800 the Library of Congress is founded, John Adams told congress he needed 5,000 dollars to buy all the books Congress could potentially need. After that initial investment was burned in the War of 1812 Thomas Jefferson supplied the replacements, because he pretty much owned every book in North America, not that he found time to read between writing pamphlets and being a dick to his slaves. Now the Library of Congress has millions of books, all at the disposal of our legislative body, in case they need them to understand government, for example I'm certain the epic political tome "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" is a favorite amongst representatives.

Dashed bad luck that.

1898, Aww shit, President McKinley gets his wish and America declares war on Spain. So today marks the beginning of the Spanish American War, this being like the fourth completely unnecessary American war, right after the War of 1812, the Mexican/American War (However I do like living in California, thank you Polk), the Indian Wars, and of course now this shit. McKinley wanted an excuse to flex Americas muscles and show the world it was hot shit and that everyone needed to be nervous. At the same time Teddy Roosevelt (a rival and major nuisance to McKinley) was all hot and bothered by the prospect of a war that he could be in. So we marched off and beat the ever loving snot out of Spain, a country that hadn't had a good day since the Armada got blown of course in the 17th century. Roosevelt incidentally beat so much ass that America fell in love with him, and to keep him from getting his hands into government McKinley offered him the vice presidency when he ran for re-election. This was of course a brilliant stroke, because vice presidents can't do dick, and they usually fade from the spotlight as a result, that is until you get assassinated by Leon Czolgosz (pronounced Sholgosh).

Oh look at them laugh.

1915, we see the beginning of the Armenian Genocide, which according to earlier ads from Turkey on my home page, never happened. Yeah right Turkey, like I believe you at all.

1916, the Easter uprising begins, wherein Patrick Pearse, James Connolly, and Joseph Plunkett all start gettin' up in the faces of the hated British in Ireland. I recommend you all now go and listen to as many Irish nationalist tunes as you can find.

1918, in the now dwindling World War I we see the first tank to tank combat of the war, when three British Mark IV's ran into three German A7V's...the fight was probably really confusing and boring, here's the contestants...

That just screams Britain doesn't it, like a big 'ole pot of stew, in a pub with a bulldog squattin' in a corner licking his unmentionables.

Well, isn't that just so...efficient? No wonder you lost the war, you built toaster ovens instead of tanks.

1926, the Treaty of Berlin is signed, it says that Germany and Russia wont go to war for five years if a third party starts shit, you know, if the cause of World War I happens all over again, 'cuz everyone just stone jonesin' for a fight. Never mind that the thing you should be really worried about is the crippling economic conditions or the annoying guy shaking his fists and screaming about Jews.

1953, Winston Churchill is knighted by the Queen. Really, not you know, after the war, like the week it ended...'53? What was it even for the war, or did you just give him the knighthood because he gave you a really cool record player as a birthday present. I mean Christ, he's so fuckin' British he owns that pub with the bulldog licking itself. He calls it the Freckled Dick, the pub, not the dog.

1967, Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov dies on the Soyuz 1 when his parachute doesn't open. This is the first human to die on a space mission. America, insulted that they lost this particular honor in the space race promptly kills all the astronauts in the Apollo 1, with fire, because that's more brutal than just falling to your death, when there's so much pure oxygen in your spaceship that a static shock will blow your ass to kingdom come. Way to go, America number 1.

2005, we got our new shitty Pope, you know the one who looks like Emperor Palpatine.

Feel the power of this fully armed and operational Vatican.

History! April 16!

So today we have more history, and a guaranteed visit from a Kate Beaton strip. So if you don't like Kate Beaton, you'd better get the fuck outta the way.



73 AD, Masada falls to the Romans. You may know Masada, it was a Jewish stronghold during the Jewish Revolt in the Holy Land. The reason you may know Masada is that the history channel carts it's antiquated ass out all the time show the amazing skills the Romans had for sieges. Also, in case you were wondering, the Romans won.



1746, the battle of Culloden is fought between the Scottish Jacobite Rebels and the holier than though British. the Scots had been toiling under Hanoverian British rule for some time now and were rather hoping to restore one of their Stuart monarchs to the throne. So one of the rightful heirs to the Scottish/English throne was Charles Stuart, known to his friends as Bonnie Prince Charlie, or 'The Young Pretender', not to be confused with his father 'The Old Pretender', or the Freddy Mercury cover of 'The Great Pretender'.



Charlie raised an army of Scottish rebels (called Jacobites) and defeated the British Army in Scotland, failing however in the long run to defeat the garrison in Edinburgh. Mind you many Scottish people at the time weren't particularly enthused by the prospect of another rebellion, they had had quite a few and they usually ended with everyone dead. So to assuage the fears (most people steal Shakespeare quotes, I steal Lincoln) of the rebel army and the locals Charlie explains that "We are going to get help! Yes, tonnes of help from the British Jacobites, what you've never heard of them, well...they're a silent majority in England and with this excellent news that I won they will rise up! Oh, and also the French will invade! They have nothing better to do right?" So the army marches along happily waiting for a force of French troops to come briskly to England and start kicking ass, never mind the whole "ENGLAND RULES THE WAVES" thing. Well Charlie marched South and moved ever closer to London and King George II, but trouble was comin' for him. Charles was informed that the French invasion fleet was still being organized, that the garrison in London outnumbered him by 1,000, plus cavalry, and that there were two separate armies headed his way, one led by George's son, the Duke of Cumberland and another led by George Wade. There were also spurious rumours that another army was flanking them, but this was fiction. Oh yeah, and those awesome English Jacobites, they never came forward, but more highlanders were beginning to mass in Scotland to join up when he returned.



Charlie decided then (with deep resentment, because he's an idiot) to hand over command to Lord George Murray, who says "Let's go home and see if we can actually win this rebellion." Well the Army headed north and kept getting harassed by British troops, as well as lack of footwear (all that marching really wears holes in your shoes made of paper). Cumberland arrives in Edinburgh and tells everyone "Listen up, I'm in charge up here, so we're going to head to Aberdeen and train, then go and kill us some wild Scots." After the cheering died down they went and did this. Charlie, being the prick he is, demanded that the army be placed back under his control, he wanted to fight a defensive action against Cumberland.



So lets look at the two armies shall we? First off we have the Jacobites, an army comprised of Scottish clans. these clan based regiments bore the name of their originating family, and were led by officers from that clan, while the soldiers were all people who were tenants of the clans land. Generally to get the men to fight you had to be at the front of the ranks, which naturally meant an enormously high mortality rate for officers in the Jacobite army, so I suppose leadership was one of their biggest problems.



On the other side we have the British Army, a well trained constantly mobile, brutally efficient fighting force. I mean Christ, for most of the campaign the Scots had pitchforks and axes instead of guns.



Onto the battle! So Today in History Charles decides that it's best to organize his men in a flat marshy area near Culloden. The one tactic that made the Scots dangerous was their feared 'Highland Charge' which primarily involved enormous bearded men running at break neck speed down a hill with swords until either they were dead, or the other guy was. So fighting on pock marked flat terrain was the antithesis of what a person in charge of 7,000 Scots would want to do. The council of war asked Charles to 'please reconsider, we could fight a guerrilla campaign' to which Charles flatly refused 'No bitches, this Cumberland be all up in my shit!'



So how did the battle go? Well the British stood around with long range guns and picked off highlanders, until of course Charlie demanded a charge. So now the already beleaguered Scots moved towards the murderous fire, until finally bloody and beaten they retreated. So in total some 2,000 Scots were killed in the fighting and retreat, oh, and Charlie, he fled the battle quick as a bunny and made his way East towards Skye. The British lost 50 men, bummer for the Highlands.



Charles made good his escape from Scotland and returned to France deciding it was against his best interest to ever come back. Meanwhile the now totally pissed off British proceeded to put the screws to the Highlands, raiding family residences and searching for signs of rebels. it was straight up Star Wars in Scotland after that, except I guess Luke goes back to Tatooine in this one. Now here's your comic...


Alright lets carry on then, oh and visit harkavagrant.com




1917, Lenin rolls on into Petrograd after his exile in Switzerland, looks like shits about to hit the fan in Russia!




1943 Dr. Albert Hofmann discovers that LSD makes you turn into a Ralph Steadman painting.




1947, the term "Cold War" is coined, and thank heavens, the runner up was "A War Where Neither of Us Shoots Because We're Afraid of Causing An Apocalypse".




1990, Dr. Kevorkian does his first assisted suicide, fun times.

We're going back! To the past? History! 4/3/09?

That's right, because blogs are about demands, as has been explained to me by one of my readers I am now forcefully (lest a petition be created) required to give you "This Day In History!" for April 3rd (the cads birthday!). Naturally you may wonder why we are doing this on April 8th, and the answer is...I don't know, this is just dumb. So on to the incongruous past!

1043, APRIL 3RD! Edward the Confessor is crowned King of England, he is the next to last Saxon King of England. Amusingly he died in 1066, the same year the Normans invaded and conquered the country, but that failure was King Godwinson's fault.

1865, Jesus that's quite the jump, but it's still in the PAST BECAUSE IT DID NOT HAPPEN TODAY, IT HAPPENED ON THE THIRD! Anyway, Richmond is captured by the Union army. Yay!

1882, Jesse James is killed by the coward Robert Ford. Ford becomes famous by depicting his attack on the outlaw, until depressed and alone he is shot in the throat with a shotgun by a drunk. EVERYBODY WINS!

1917, NOT TODAY, A FEW DAYS AGO! Vladimir Lenin arrives in Russia after an extended exile. This marks the beginning of the Bolshevik control over the Russian Revolution. The rule of thumb is that if you have a local Lenin and he's not allowed into the country or town...DON'T LET HIM BACK IN! UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

1922, Fuck all, Stalin becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. shortly after this Trotsky gets the fuck out of Dodge, you know, right after he sees that they've been editing him out of photos.

1968, Martin Luther King Jr. gives his "I've been to the mountaintop" speech, he is assassinated the next day. There is nothing funny about this.

1969, We pledge to begin "Vietnamizing" the conflict in Vietnam, namely putting the responsibility of fighting on the South Vietnamese themselves, giving them weapons and training for the task. Naturally this totally works and we win Vietnam.



1982, the United Kingdom sends a naval task force to get the Falkland Islands back. The British probably flipped a coin on whether they would send a bunch of wooden ships to handle the Argentinians or an actual fleet.

1996, Ted "Cool Professor From Berkeley" Kacynzki, Kazinski, Karamazov...whatever, is arrested in his little shack in Montana. This is what happens to people who teach at Berkeley, you've been warned America.

So that's that, this is all the remotely interesting crap that happened on April 3rd. I hope you jackals are happy. BECAUSE IT IS THE 8TH!!!

History! LITE!

So today we have some History! LITE! Today history is exceptionally boring, except for two instances.

On this day in 1981 America is nearly saved from disaster when John Hinckley Jr. shoots Ronald Reagan in the chest. Unfortunately Reagan lived and has went on to create the maligned War on Drugs, overthrew the Sandinistas, of course there's the Iran Contra affair, his supposed success at "ending" the Cold War (the wall was comin' down anyway people), the ridiculous budget deficit he created, probably underselling crack to inner city youths, and of course reinventing and more or less installing what we recognize today as the modern Republican Party. I went to his funeral to gloat, so does this make me a bad person? NO! Because reinventing the dead because they're dead is a farce. He was not a great man, he did not set this country up for success, the 80's were a miserable misanthropic time and him and the Iron Lady across the pond were responsible. So you know what, if you don't like what I have to say, when i die you can come and gloat, and maybe I'll get a bunch of followers who will try to live out their lives according to my guiding principles.



And in 2006 the Terrorism Act of Great Britain is enacted, one of the larger bricks in the wall keeping Air Strip One safe from the 'terrists'.

I've Developed a Nervous Tic...

That's right, the planet has become too stressful and I have a nervous tic as a direct result. This tic is an annoying left eye twitch, which I'm sure to passersby appears to be my winking insanely at them, but in reality is what amounts to a human red flashing light and klaxon. The tic, appears to be centered around reading news about America, Civil Liberties, Britain, Law, and Economics. It can also be activated by thoughts about adventure, or the suffocating nature of living in a era where every inch of the map is labeled and there is nothing to do but eat and hope your life starts at some point. This has created a slight problem as I have begun reading the "Lost City of Z", which details the adventures of Percy Fawcett, a Victorian adventurer, who was in pursuit of a hidden city in the Amazon. The problem is that when things get interesting (Percy goes looking for buried treasure in Ceylon) my eye begins to spasm and I want to flee from the couch and disappear into the woods until I find a river with gold deposits in it.

I suppose it is best for me to wait out the years until civilization collapses due to the first set of stressors and I can live out my days Mad Max style.

History! March 20th!

I don't even know why I write these, no one reads them. Except you, which is actually me, simply re reading them later. So today we are going to jump into that slimy swamp called history and pull up some catfish.





1602, we see the founding of the Dutch East India Company. this is where things start falling apart for the world. The DEIC is the first multinational corporation, as well as the first megacorporation. The Company was given a 21 year monopoly over trade in Asia, and was the first company to issue stock. how weird must that stock market be.





"So what's up today?"


"Dutch East India Company."


"What can I buy?"


"Dutch East India Company."


"Anything else?"


"Not till GE is invented."


PARADOX!





Also they had the ability to strike their own coin (make their own currency, ala Disney Bucks) and wage war. We'll see a steady increase in Piracy right after the formation of this and the British version.





1616, Walter Raleigh gets released from the Tower of London after 13 years of imprisonment. Raleigh had spent quite a bit of time wandering around the Tower before. During Queen Elizabeth's reign he had a knack for charming her into not killing him for making mistakes. He was involved in the colonizing of Virginia, and when he got home he promptly married one of Elizabeth's assistants, which is something you don't do without permission, which is exactly what he did. Quite a few people believe Raleigh was involved with the Queen in one way or another, which I tend to support based on his smarmy habit of getting out of trouble by telling Elizabeth how great she was all the time. Anyway, back to the story, Walter gets thrown in jail with his wife for a few years, then get released, he gets bored, starts telling people that there's a city of gold in South America. He keeps an eye on the royal household, which proves pretty bad for him because Elizabeth croaks and James I takes over. James hates Walter, probably because Walter tried his smarm tactic on James and James took offense. So James hurls Walter back into the Tower because he is convinced that in spite of his service to the country in the past he was probably involved with some protestants who wanted to replace him with a Spanish cousin. So on this day in history Walter was released again. His next stop? South America!





1815! Napoleon never liked being imprisoned on Elba, it didn't suit his ideas about what a "Good Time" constituted. So today after his escape and arrival on mainland France he arrives in Paris with a regular force of 140,000 and a volunteer army of 200,000. So begins Napoleon's 100 Days Rule. Across the channel the Duke of Wellington looks out his window and goes into a Dragonball powerup mode. When asked about his level he commented that it was "Over 9,000!"





1852, that bitch ass Harriet Beecher Stowe releases "Uncle Tom's Cabin". Stowe is a "Bitch Ass" because whilst on one hand trying to illuminate people to the plight of enslaved Africans she is also known to have spent time in Scotland and Ireland while writing the book and said that the Scots weren't much more than animals and deserved to be treated as such by their cruel landlords. Fuck you bitch.





















1856, William Walker is routed by Costa Rican forces. I would explain what that means more in depth but instead I will direct you to rent or purchase the film "Walker", staring Ed Harris, with cameo's by Joe Strummer, who also composed the score. Lets just say Walker was "President" of Nicaragua, and he denied a trading contract to a Vanderbilt (19th century equivalent of Bill Gates, only with the desire to see men die) who promptly sent Costa Rican troops and American mercenaries to oust him.



1916, Einstein publishes his General Theory of Relativity, to quote Bill Murray "Einstein did his best stuff as a patent clerk." SPECIAL CHALLENGE: Post the name of the movie this is from...SPECIAL SPECIAL CHALLENGE: It can't be Nate.



1933, Giuseppe Zangara is executed by electric chair in Florida. His crime? the attempted assassination of FDR. I highly recommend picking up a CD of the musical "Assassins", you learn quite a bit about this thanks to it.



1942, General Douglas "Douchebag" MacArthur lets the Philippines know that "I shall return."



1952, the US finally ratifies a peace treaty with Japan, as though in those intervening years we were worried they would hit a secret button and giant robots would shoot out of every paper house and blow up our carrier fleets.



1956, France finally lets Tunisia go, Vietnam on the other hand...



1969, John Lennon and Yoko Ono get married. I'll say this once, I don't hate her, and I'm glad the Beatles didn't keep going so they could end up like The Rolling Mummies...I mean Stones.



1999, Legoland opens, tumble weeds blow through. A distant coyote yaps at the dusty sky.



2003, We start the bomb droppin', gas guzzlin', American youth killin', Civilian maimin' adventure called the Iraq War...I'm sorry, not war "Enduring Freedom Fries of Democracy Brought to You by Pizza Hut and the Good People from Boeing."



Also, today is the second day of Quinquatria, a roman festival celebrating the birth of Minerva. Today we would have gladiatorial fights.

History! March 19!

Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known...history. Today will be fun because I can now make my own macros and I have a plentiful source of gifs to illustrate my point. History will now eat up bandwidth like motherfuckin' Far Cry 2 on ultra settings.


So today we start on March 19th 1279 AD...in MONGOLIA!

Wherein our brave yak herders defeat the depressing Song dynasty at the battle of Yamen. Nobody cared...except the Chinese.

In 1863 a Confederate cruiser Georgiana is sunk on her maiden voyage. In her hold is literally the economic future of the South. Valued at around $1,000,000 at the time the South throws up their hands and asks "What next?" (For those of you who want a clue the answer rhymes with 'Rickett's Barge')

1915, Pluto is photographed, but is still not acknowledged as a planet. Looking back a history post or two ago reveals the secret date that the Freemason's and Illuminati selected as the birth of their planet-not-planet's admittance date into the pantheon of shitty space debris larger than a football field.

1916 America launches its first ever air combat operation, the target, that crazy bitch Pancho Villa. Villa escapes and goes on to be remembered as a cool guy, primarily because he hung out (robbed) with white people every once in a while. The actual cool Mexican revolutionary is Zapata, and everyone should know it.

1918, the U.S. approves of time zones (makes sense) and daylight savings times (fuck you). It makes you wonder just how the hell you set your watch in the past.

1920, We reject the Treaty of Versailles again, because hey, maybe World War 1 was everyone's fault right? (The Treaty of Versailles being the document created by the victors of the war, stating in no uncertain terms that Germany was to be Europe's bitch for all eternity, and that every German male had to be kicked in the nuts at least once by a Frenchmen or he would buried alive in Verdun. Naturally when tempers cooled and Germany still had some hard feelings about the economic catastrophe such brutal reparations unleashed on them they started invading places...

Good job Triple Entente :(

In 1921, from what appears to be "This Day in WTF!?" some Italian fascists are riding a train through Slovenia and decide to shoot at some kids like they're Buffalo. Two are killed, two mangled, and three wounded, the local Indian tribe mourned because the Italians didn't use the whole body.

1931, gambling legalized in Nevada, intelligent few prefer to stay at home and flush their money down a toilet instead.

1941, the Tuskegee Airmen are activated. This being an all black unit in the air army corp.

In 1945 Hitler orders all industry, shops, military installations...pretty much everything you see when you look out a door to be demolished in light of the approaching allies.

OH SHIT! In 1965, the Georgiana (sunk earlier in this post) is rediscovered with its cargo intact and soggy. Modern estimates (a la 1965) puts the cargo at a worth of $50,000,000.

In 1978 the UN politely asks Israel to leave Lebanon and stop blowing up their shit. Israel complies and the UN sends a force to act as a human shield between Israel and its neighbor.

1979, C-SPAN is put on air! WOOOOO!!! For those of you who aren't in the "know" C-SPAN is basically a live feed of Washington D.C. and all the crusty old White People who work there. If you've ever wanted to see an inauguration or senate hearing and not have Fox News' pundits trying to tell you what to think go here. You'll also get to see full comments from Senators and Congress people instead of insta blurbs edited for dramatic effect.

1982 Argentina lands some troops on South Georgia Island, forcing England into war. Happy "Beginning of the Falklands War" everyone!

1987, Jerry Falwell, the ignorant fucker that he is, takes over the Christian organization PTL, after its former leader leaves due to...SHOCK! SURPRISE! a sex scandal.

2003, President George W. Bush (Or Dubya as the cool kids call him, I prefer Ass Goblin) tells the American public, that we will be invading the hell out Iraq. His reasons include...

1. Lies he made up

2. Lies Cheney made up

3. Lies the CIA made up

4. Lies Collin Powell was told to tell to the UN

5. "I just don't like 'em"

This will be the second time I've had to roll out Nicholas RAGE in a week.

History! March 13 2009!

Lets peer through the muted shades of time and find the events most interesting to have occurred since recorded time.

On this day in 1138 Gregoria Conti is elected Antipope. The antipopes are not to be confused with the song "I Am The Antipope" by Zlad! Antipopes originated in the fact that the Catholic Church didn't always do things in lockstep and every once in a while a Bishop would become Pope and the rest of the Cardinals and Kingdoms who cared would say "Whoah bitch! You'd better back up off my transubstantiation!" These indignant catholics would select a better leader, labeled an antipope. Gregorio led an interesting life as Antipope, however the details of this life are only interesting to people who really care about squabbling in the 14th century Catholic church, that is to say almost no one.

William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, his plan to draw the name from a hat backfires terribly after he refuses to accept the previously drawn names "Urectum" and "Urgay".

In 1862 Union commanders are ordered to not return any fugitive slaves, effectively negating the fugitive slave act of 1850. This will be followed by the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863.

Oh lordy! In 1884 the siege of Khartoum begins. Britain had been mucking around the world for ages by the time the famed General Charles George Gordon was sent to the Sudan. Egypt had been battling insurrectionists in the country for years and an evacuation had been ordered, the plans for this were spearheaded by the British General Gordon (Egypt being a near colony of England at the time). Gordon was the most colorful General in Her Majesty's employ at the time, going by names such as Chinese Gordon, Gordon Pasha and eventually Gordon of Khartoum. He had acquired these nicknames by virtue of the fact that when he arrived in a new country he automatically adopted the manner of dress of the locals, "going native" as it were. In the Sudan Britain and Egypt had been experiencing troubles with a local leader called The Mahdi. The Mahdi was in open revolt against the Egyptian authority in the Sudan and wished to spread Islam to all corners of the globe. Technically speaking "the Mahdi" is a term in Islam to describe a chosen one who is prophesied to arrive at the end times. Anyway, Gordon is ordered to evacuate and leave Sudan to the Sudanese, but decides that doing so would mean that there would be a spot on the map that wasn't under direct British supervision. so to force the hand of government in London he remained in Khartoum waiting to battle the Mahdi when he arrived. London went batshit. "Who the fuck does Gordon think he is, he knows the public loves him, and he knows how shitty this will get if he stays and we're forced to show up and hand people their asses. Fuck you Gordon!" Was most likely the conversation Prime Minister Gladstone had when he heard the news. So on this day in history, Gordon closed the doors, distributed the guns and waited patiently for the Mahdi to blow him the fuck up or the British army to crest the nearest hill and kill everyone with maxim guns. Oh yeah, you probably want to know what happened next...Gordon gets decapitated on the steps to his office, the Mahdi gets killed too, but a little while later when the British (surprise surprise) show up late. The Mahdi's one world Islamic revolution falls apart, most likely because he's dead for most of it.

1900 sees the capture of a town by the British in the Second Boer War. this is a war in which we see the British battling Dutch farmers for control of South Africa. Britain built the first concentration camps for this conflict to house all the conquered farmers in blistering heat without food. You might also remember (probably not) that the First Boer War (previously the Boer War) was the engagement that featured fictional Doctor James Watson.

1921 Jesus. Mongolia declares its independence from China. You think you know Mongolia? You think its just yaks and plains? Fuck no, Mongolia is one of those places that creates fuckers like this! Baron Roman Nickolai Maximilian von Ungern-Sternberg, go to wikipedia and look at his fucking picture, no wait I'll put it here...

What the fuck, you know this guys nickname, the Bloody Baron, you know why? Because anyone who looks at this picture and doesn't just kinda feel that name in the back of their head is just as crazy as he is. He is some of the crazy detritus that got launched from the wounds of the Russian Revolution. He wanted to restore the Romanovs as well as the Mongolian monarchy, however for lack of adequate living descendants of either he decided to exterminate Jews and Communists instead. Seriously, why is it when your crazy and born before 1950 the only answer to a question of leadership is "Do I kill Jews or communists today?"

"What are we going to do about the grain shortages Baron Unger-BloodTrough?"

"Hurm...we must eliminate the Jews and their intellectual allies."

"Okay."

Anyway this clown was crazy, crazy like real clowns are crazy, he would intentionally mispronounce his name because it sounded and I quote "to jewy". He loved nomadic peoples and fought in World War 1 where he was considered brave but slightly unhinged, which surprisingly hurt his opportunities for promotion. After the revolution he was sent with General Semanov to take control of the far flung Asiatic territories of the former Russian Empire. Backed by Japan he was given a chunk of land where he began to brutally repress his villagers. On top of these regular outbursts of lunacy he and Semanov hated the Blosheviks AND the White Russians, they were at war with both sides of the freakin' civil war! So pissed off that the world is moving forward to quickly he separates form Semanov and becomes a regional warlord, deciding that monarchies are the only thing that will save humanity from itself. He begins planning a restoration of the Qing Dynasty that will unite all of East Asia, to enact this plan he surrounds the Mongolian capital and at night lights a number of fires to convince the Chinese occupiers that the force is much larger than it appears. The following day he takes the city after a protracted and bloody fight. So today on March 13th he declared Mongolia independent, and named himself dictator. He led a reign of terror with his army that lasted all the way to August, when the Red Army, sick to death of his bullshit, captured and executed him by firing squad, bringing the number of people on Chris' list of "People the Soviets killed who deserved it" to one.

In 1925, oh fuck yeah, the Scopes Monkey Trial begins. We all went to high school, and we all read Inherit the Wind, the only difference between you and me is probably that I loved the whole thing and own the original film version plus the newer Hallmark series version. I also own numerous biographies of Clarence Darrow, on whom the character of Charles Drummond is based.

1930, stupid ass Pluto is discovered. Stupid stupid freezing space rock.

1943, Germany eliminates the Jewish ghetto of Krakow. There is nothing funny to say about it. I once met a man who was at Krakow and was then sent to Auschwitz, he was the one of the nicest people I ever met.

In 1962 Lyman Lemnitzer, chairman to the Joint Chief's of Staff for JFK offers up a nifty little plan called Operation Northwood. His awesome plan is to stage a fake terrorist attack on Gitmo which will give us a cassus belli to attack Cuba. JFK throws him from a window and includes a classic Kennedy one liner "Fuck off and die."

2003, in France scientists report that 350,000 year old human footprints have been found in Italy, science again subtly says "fuck along now" to New Earth Christians.

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History! For 3/11/09, The Flagstaff War!

So on this day in history in 1845 we see the beginning of the Flagstaff War, a British affair with the Maori in New Zealand. The whole thing began when Britain (busily sailing around the world putting flags and bodies in things) arrived in what would become New Zealand. Noticing that there was open space with a handful of indigenous people on it the British got revved up and began settling, starting with a document called the Treaty of Waitangi, which was vague on a number of important points. Vague in so much as it convinced the British they could start emigrating, whilst at the same time convincing the Maori they could keep their land and heritage intact, well we all know where this going. New Zealand is annexed in 1840, which irks the Maori, then things start going downhill in the relations between the two "tribes". There were land skirmishes between independent companies in the region and the regular list of crimes to be expected in such an action, eventually one of the original signatories of the treaty, Hone Heke, a tribal leader was notified by the French and Americans that the British flag over the island meant the Maori's were slaves. Naturally Hone believed the other two imperial powers and took matters into his own hands.



Hone requested that a young girl from his tribe, who had been living with a butcher, be returned post haste. She refused, apparently enjoying her new found Englishness, leading Hone to march into town with a few friends and ransack the shop taking the girl back. On his way back he noticed the "slave" flagpole (which was actually a gift from him to the British) and chopped it down. This upset the British to no end, forcing them to send for the 96th regiment to handle the situation. The pole was replaced by Hone after some negotiations, then chopped down again after everyone realized there had been no trial of strength between the Maori and English, moreover there were now more Europeans than expected so things were getting uncomfortably "continental". The 96th arrived replaced the flag, only to find that this one was almost immediately cut down.



Then came this day in history March 11, 1845, the stubborn British replaced this third flagpole with one sheathed in iron and surrounded by guards, no fuckers come onto British soil and chop down the Queen's own flag, fuckers. Well the Maori came back...with a vengeance, incensed that their craftsmanship was not being appreciated they charged up to the guard shack killed the soldiers and chopped down the flagpole again. Meanwhile at a nearby settlement another tribe began burning buildings after a semi orderly evacuation of the premises. They opted to not burn the missions however.



With great jubilation Hone Heke watched as the H.M.S. Hazard departed with a few escorts, loaded with Europeans, headed for Auckland to get away from the flagpole haters.



The war continued naturally, it's not as though the 96th was going to sit idly by and watch British subjects getting evicted by people who didn't wear starched collars. The 96th returned on March 28th and burned a fortified village called a Pa. For whatever reasons however (to almost everyone in attendance's confusion) they burned the village of a Chief who was strongly neutral since the outset of problems and had even made efforts to bring more Europeans in to trade with his village.



The war went surprisingly well for the Maori in the end, in spite of suffering serious losses and a few villages (one of which was designed as a target for the British) the British accepted a ceasefire and left the flagpole down, and minimized their incursions into the Maori lands.