Random Article! 4/23/09

So history was slow today, unless you love Turkish succession issues or the minor battles in Spain (pre renaissance). Naturally with such a void I will have to create a new feature, with which to exercise my wit, or lack thereof. So now i am proud to introduce the "Random Article" feature, in which I hit the random article button on wikipedia and discuss the topic I get. Now this may get boring really fast, I once spent ten minutes hitting that button and got nothing but s steady stream of soccer teams and soccer competitions from around the world. I'm pretty sure wikipedia is 70% soccer related material.
So lets countdown to a new feature in...
5...
4...
3...
2...
1...
Liftoff (this is ground control to Major Tom)

HAHA FUCK!
(Today's article)Tiefland(elcitrtA syadoT)

So this article is about a movie directed, scripted, produced and starring Leni Riefenstahl. You probably don't know Leni, here's a picture, of her, next to another sporty chap who is not Charlie Chaplin. Alright, so Leni was a Nazi, and may have made a little movie called "Triumph of the Will" about how Nazi supermen are our superiors. Real classy lady.

The film is based on a play with the same name, Leni here decided to write a little script in '34, but didn't actually start production till '40, wrapping in '44. Even then it wasn't until 1954 that it was released. This was the last full length film she directed and starred in.

So lets break down the plot for all of you out there...

Wait, reviewing the plot now is confusing the hell out of me, lets try this anyway...

Pedro is a loser, who herds sheep in the Pyrenees (mountains between France and Spain) he awakes to find a Wolf just stone killin' his sheep, so he summons what energy he can to choke the bitch wolf out. Mind you I think that Pedro here represents the Monarchists, and the wolf Nazi airmen assisting the Fascists, but then again it doesn't because if that were the case Leni would have the wolf eat Pedro while efficiently doing gymnastics like a spaz. Anyway, in the lowlands a little community is getting its ass handed to it by a rich land owner named Don Sebastian. The Don, as his friends call him, has built a canal that is depriving his people of water for food, but is making his prized bulls very happy? Is that really a good reason to build a canal, do the bulls even notice? who will pay rent when everyone is dead from starvation? Anyway, the peasants are all like "Please don't starve us!" and Don replies with a chortle "No way, my bulls need to be all jazzed up, before I kill them with swords in a completely fair fight." However Don does have a serious problem, he is broke and owes some people money, apparently he's engaged to a woman named Amelia, who is wealthy and totally grossed out by his shit eating grin, so he does the smart thing and takes a local "beggar dancer" (a common job in Spain), Martha, and locks her in a golden cage at his 'pad'. She dances for his amusement, like people do, and begs him to stop killing his peasants. Naturally he says no, because seriously, why get out of debt by charging rent for the land you have all these peasants on, hell sell a bull you douche. So Martha runs away where she meets Pedro (Spains premier wolf throttler), but Don finds her and brings her back. Now deeply in trouble with his bookies he arranges to marry Amelia (because she changed her mind or some shit), but he also wants Martha, so he marries Martha off to Pedro, and gives Pedro a mill to live at, so he knows where to find his fuck buddy Martha. Well Martha fucking hates this plan and gets all up on Pedro's case for being a party to this ridiculous affair, to which Pedro responds "Uh, I love you, so that's kind of why i let him marry me off to you." Martha is all like "Bawwww", when suddenly Don walks in looking for something to fuck. Pedro uses his mad skills and chokes Don to death and then he and Martha go and live in the mountains, choking wolves by day and having dirty 'beggar dancer' sex at night.

Now the details of making this masterpiece, this triumph of the will, if you will. Leni wrote it in 1934, but she got involved in propaganda film making right about when the war started, so that really sidetracked her. Wikipedia says that she was disturbed by atrocities and didn't want to make any more propoganda films (I frankly have no clue, I prefer painting her a s a total Nazi). So she made her own film company, using her clout as 'Hitlers Favorite'. So she spent years making this film on location, facing numerous set backs, Goebbels was all like "WTF, why does Hitler dig on you so much?" For example Leni couldn't find an actress to play Martha, so she simply took the role. the major problem with that is the fact that she was 40 at the time and Pedro (as played by a guy named Franz) was 23, way to rob the cradle 'beggar dancer'.

Of course there's controversy too. Apparently the villagers used in background shots were Italian gypsies, selected from internment camps, hand chosen by Riefenstahl. Now this isn't the half of it, apparently once shooting wrapped for those scenes they were promptly deported to Auschwitz, there's a feel good hit if I ever heard of one, "Tiefland, 3 out of five cast members dead in the Holocaust". Also it says that James Cameron's shitberg Titanic echoes Tiefland in many ways, this makes James Cameron a Nazi in my book,so you better watch out Cameron, I'm on to you.

So I hope you enjoyed this first installment of "RANDOM ARTICLE", I'll see you the next time there's nothing good on this day in history.

History! March 19!

Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known...history. Today will be fun because I can now make my own macros and I have a plentiful source of gifs to illustrate my point. History will now eat up bandwidth like motherfuckin' Far Cry 2 on ultra settings.


So today we start on March 19th 1279 AD...in MONGOLIA!

Wherein our brave yak herders defeat the depressing Song dynasty at the battle of Yamen. Nobody cared...except the Chinese.

In 1863 a Confederate cruiser Georgiana is sunk on her maiden voyage. In her hold is literally the economic future of the South. Valued at around $1,000,000 at the time the South throws up their hands and asks "What next?" (For those of you who want a clue the answer rhymes with 'Rickett's Barge')

1915, Pluto is photographed, but is still not acknowledged as a planet. Looking back a history post or two ago reveals the secret date that the Freemason's and Illuminati selected as the birth of their planet-not-planet's admittance date into the pantheon of shitty space debris larger than a football field.

1916 America launches its first ever air combat operation, the target, that crazy bitch Pancho Villa. Villa escapes and goes on to be remembered as a cool guy, primarily because he hung out (robbed) with white people every once in a while. The actual cool Mexican revolutionary is Zapata, and everyone should know it.

1918, the U.S. approves of time zones (makes sense) and daylight savings times (fuck you). It makes you wonder just how the hell you set your watch in the past.

1920, We reject the Treaty of Versailles again, because hey, maybe World War 1 was everyone's fault right? (The Treaty of Versailles being the document created by the victors of the war, stating in no uncertain terms that Germany was to be Europe's bitch for all eternity, and that every German male had to be kicked in the nuts at least once by a Frenchmen or he would buried alive in Verdun. Naturally when tempers cooled and Germany still had some hard feelings about the economic catastrophe such brutal reparations unleashed on them they started invading places...

Good job Triple Entente :(

In 1921, from what appears to be "This Day in WTF!?" some Italian fascists are riding a train through Slovenia and decide to shoot at some kids like they're Buffalo. Two are killed, two mangled, and three wounded, the local Indian tribe mourned because the Italians didn't use the whole body.

1931, gambling legalized in Nevada, intelligent few prefer to stay at home and flush their money down a toilet instead.

1941, the Tuskegee Airmen are activated. This being an all black unit in the air army corp.

In 1945 Hitler orders all industry, shops, military installations...pretty much everything you see when you look out a door to be demolished in light of the approaching allies.

OH SHIT! In 1965, the Georgiana (sunk earlier in this post) is rediscovered with its cargo intact and soggy. Modern estimates (a la 1965) puts the cargo at a worth of $50,000,000.

In 1978 the UN politely asks Israel to leave Lebanon and stop blowing up their shit. Israel complies and the UN sends a force to act as a human shield between Israel and its neighbor.

1979, C-SPAN is put on air! WOOOOO!!! For those of you who aren't in the "know" C-SPAN is basically a live feed of Washington D.C. and all the crusty old White People who work there. If you've ever wanted to see an inauguration or senate hearing and not have Fox News' pundits trying to tell you what to think go here. You'll also get to see full comments from Senators and Congress people instead of insta blurbs edited for dramatic effect.

1982 Argentina lands some troops on South Georgia Island, forcing England into war. Happy "Beginning of the Falklands War" everyone!

1987, Jerry Falwell, the ignorant fucker that he is, takes over the Christian organization PTL, after its former leader leaves due to...SHOCK! SURPRISE! a sex scandal.

2003, President George W. Bush (Or Dubya as the cool kids call him, I prefer Ass Goblin) tells the American public, that we will be invading the hell out Iraq. His reasons include...

1. Lies he made up

2. Lies Cheney made up

3. Lies the CIA made up

4. Lies Collin Powell was told to tell to the UN

5. "I just don't like 'em"

This will be the second time I've had to roll out Nicholas RAGE in a week.

History! March 13 2009!

Lets peer through the muted shades of time and find the events most interesting to have occurred since recorded time.

On this day in 1138 Gregoria Conti is elected Antipope. The antipopes are not to be confused with the song "I Am The Antipope" by Zlad! Antipopes originated in the fact that the Catholic Church didn't always do things in lockstep and every once in a while a Bishop would become Pope and the rest of the Cardinals and Kingdoms who cared would say "Whoah bitch! You'd better back up off my transubstantiation!" These indignant catholics would select a better leader, labeled an antipope. Gregorio led an interesting life as Antipope, however the details of this life are only interesting to people who really care about squabbling in the 14th century Catholic church, that is to say almost no one.

William Herschel discovered Uranus in 1781, his plan to draw the name from a hat backfires terribly after he refuses to accept the previously drawn names "Urectum" and "Urgay".

In 1862 Union commanders are ordered to not return any fugitive slaves, effectively negating the fugitive slave act of 1850. This will be followed by the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863.

Oh lordy! In 1884 the siege of Khartoum begins. Britain had been mucking around the world for ages by the time the famed General Charles George Gordon was sent to the Sudan. Egypt had been battling insurrectionists in the country for years and an evacuation had been ordered, the plans for this were spearheaded by the British General Gordon (Egypt being a near colony of England at the time). Gordon was the most colorful General in Her Majesty's employ at the time, going by names such as Chinese Gordon, Gordon Pasha and eventually Gordon of Khartoum. He had acquired these nicknames by virtue of the fact that when he arrived in a new country he automatically adopted the manner of dress of the locals, "going native" as it were. In the Sudan Britain and Egypt had been experiencing troubles with a local leader called The Mahdi. The Mahdi was in open revolt against the Egyptian authority in the Sudan and wished to spread Islam to all corners of the globe. Technically speaking "the Mahdi" is a term in Islam to describe a chosen one who is prophesied to arrive at the end times. Anyway, Gordon is ordered to evacuate and leave Sudan to the Sudanese, but decides that doing so would mean that there would be a spot on the map that wasn't under direct British supervision. so to force the hand of government in London he remained in Khartoum waiting to battle the Mahdi when he arrived. London went batshit. "Who the fuck does Gordon think he is, he knows the public loves him, and he knows how shitty this will get if he stays and we're forced to show up and hand people their asses. Fuck you Gordon!" Was most likely the conversation Prime Minister Gladstone had when he heard the news. So on this day in history, Gordon closed the doors, distributed the guns and waited patiently for the Mahdi to blow him the fuck up or the British army to crest the nearest hill and kill everyone with maxim guns. Oh yeah, you probably want to know what happened next...Gordon gets decapitated on the steps to his office, the Mahdi gets killed too, but a little while later when the British (surprise surprise) show up late. The Mahdi's one world Islamic revolution falls apart, most likely because he's dead for most of it.

1900 sees the capture of a town by the British in the Second Boer War. this is a war in which we see the British battling Dutch farmers for control of South Africa. Britain built the first concentration camps for this conflict to house all the conquered farmers in blistering heat without food. You might also remember (probably not) that the First Boer War (previously the Boer War) was the engagement that featured fictional Doctor James Watson.

1921 Jesus. Mongolia declares its independence from China. You think you know Mongolia? You think its just yaks and plains? Fuck no, Mongolia is one of those places that creates fuckers like this! Baron Roman Nickolai Maximilian von Ungern-Sternberg, go to wikipedia and look at his fucking picture, no wait I'll put it here...

What the fuck, you know this guys nickname, the Bloody Baron, you know why? Because anyone who looks at this picture and doesn't just kinda feel that name in the back of their head is just as crazy as he is. He is some of the crazy detritus that got launched from the wounds of the Russian Revolution. He wanted to restore the Romanovs as well as the Mongolian monarchy, however for lack of adequate living descendants of either he decided to exterminate Jews and Communists instead. Seriously, why is it when your crazy and born before 1950 the only answer to a question of leadership is "Do I kill Jews or communists today?"

"What are we going to do about the grain shortages Baron Unger-BloodTrough?"

"Hurm...we must eliminate the Jews and their intellectual allies."

"Okay."

Anyway this clown was crazy, crazy like real clowns are crazy, he would intentionally mispronounce his name because it sounded and I quote "to jewy". He loved nomadic peoples and fought in World War 1 where he was considered brave but slightly unhinged, which surprisingly hurt his opportunities for promotion. After the revolution he was sent with General Semanov to take control of the far flung Asiatic territories of the former Russian Empire. Backed by Japan he was given a chunk of land where he began to brutally repress his villagers. On top of these regular outbursts of lunacy he and Semanov hated the Blosheviks AND the White Russians, they were at war with both sides of the freakin' civil war! So pissed off that the world is moving forward to quickly he separates form Semanov and becomes a regional warlord, deciding that monarchies are the only thing that will save humanity from itself. He begins planning a restoration of the Qing Dynasty that will unite all of East Asia, to enact this plan he surrounds the Mongolian capital and at night lights a number of fires to convince the Chinese occupiers that the force is much larger than it appears. The following day he takes the city after a protracted and bloody fight. So today on March 13th he declared Mongolia independent, and named himself dictator. He led a reign of terror with his army that lasted all the way to August, when the Red Army, sick to death of his bullshit, captured and executed him by firing squad, bringing the number of people on Chris' list of "People the Soviets killed who deserved it" to one.

In 1925, oh fuck yeah, the Scopes Monkey Trial begins. We all went to high school, and we all read Inherit the Wind, the only difference between you and me is probably that I loved the whole thing and own the original film version plus the newer Hallmark series version. I also own numerous biographies of Clarence Darrow, on whom the character of Charles Drummond is based.

1930, stupid ass Pluto is discovered. Stupid stupid freezing space rock.

1943, Germany eliminates the Jewish ghetto of Krakow. There is nothing funny to say about it. I once met a man who was at Krakow and was then sent to Auschwitz, he was the one of the nicest people I ever met.

In 1962 Lyman Lemnitzer, chairman to the Joint Chief's of Staff for JFK offers up a nifty little plan called Operation Northwood. His awesome plan is to stage a fake terrorist attack on Gitmo which will give us a cassus belli to attack Cuba. JFK throws him from a window and includes a classic Kennedy one liner "Fuck off and die."

2003, in France scientists report that 350,000 year old human footprints have been found in Italy, science again subtly says "fuck along now" to New Earth Christians.

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History! Jesus there's a lot on March 12th!

Good Christ, who knew that some days in history would hold so much signifgance! Yesterday, being the anniversary of the beginning of the Flagstaff War and all, well that was like the most interesting thing to happen that day, but today, geez!



On March 12, 538 AD, Belisarius (famed general of the Byzantine Empire, last of the true Romans) succesfully takes Rome after an extended siege. Belisarius was the single best general the Byzantines had and was pivotal in executing Justinian's plan to retake the former territories of the Roman Empire. It didn't happen, but Belisarius was cool.



in 1622 Ignatius of Loyola founds the Jesuits! This dude gets a sainthood as a result. the rest of the world gets an easily recognizable bad guy for any movie that predates Nazi's or America. Technically speaking Jesuits weren't all that terrible, unless you went to Japan where they lorded over trade and human life like kings.



1894, a personal favorite event, in Vicksburg Coca Cola starts manufacturing glass bottles for its delicious cocaine drink. This was the single best move for Coca cola ever, nothing is more refreshing than a glass bottle coke, made with real sugar, chilled to 34 degrees.



In 1918 those commie pinko bastards in Russia moved the capital from St. Petersburg to Moscow, hey jerks! The Romanov's preferred St. Petersburg, say hi to your mother for me.



1930, motherfuckin' Gandhi does his march to the sea to protest the British monopoly on salt. On the way he eats twenty Big Mac's then buys a suit from Armani*.



1933, first fireside chat from FDR, he discusses important things rlating to the country, primarily about shanty towns, hobo beans and the nine ways to boil a cat for nutrition.



Does history ever stop marching?



NO! Fuck you!



1938 Austria gets annexed by Germany, guess what Poland, you're next! As for Great Britain and France, they don't have to worry because the guy who wrote Mein Kampf only wants some Liebenstrom, which is obviously smaller than all of Europe right?



The Truman Doctrine is announced in 1947, we are now poised to show Communism we aren't soft on them, lets keep 'em out of everywhere we find 'em! America!



That's about it, but lord, look at that history back there, just all piled up on the 12th. Also today we have a very special fictional birthday...


Rorschach!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU NUT!

*This probably didn't happen, but we don't have the time machine to prove it.