History! 5/26

Its been quite a while since the last time I did History! at all you poor people. As such, because I'll be dealing with courtrooms and bailiffs for the remainder of the day and into the night I thought it best to do one early so it didn't seem wasted. So, lets get on with it then shall we?

1293 AD, In Kamakura Japan an earthquake struck. Now this happens a lot, like all the time, however what made this one so special is that it killed 30,000 people! Seriously, the Japanese at he time were living in single story shacks, so the likelihood of them being completely unable to flee outside is slightly incredible. Thus I am forced to to picture the ground literally opening up and swallowing a whole city. When I did a quick google search for 'Japanese Earthquake" this is on the first page! My guess is that the Japanese have a long standing tradition of rescue cats, dating back to this terrible disaster, when bands of cats would roam the rubble looking for survivors and demanding treats until rescuers could arrive.
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1538, Man, John Calvin, founder of Calvinism is just cold hated by everybody. On this day he was kicked out of Geneva and told to go cause dissent someplace else. Naturally he picked Strasbourg, because when I think of places to hide from the Catholic church I think of Strasbourg.

1637, Here is a big one for me, like epic! During the Pequot War in North America, noted douche bag John Mason, Bostonian General of a combined force of puritans and Mohegans attacked the seat of Pequot power in Connecticut. The Pequot had earned the ire of the local puritans and through some shady back room deal the puritans had gotten the Narragansett and Mohegan tribes to assist in a brutal war against the larger Pequot tribe. Well, Mason and the puritans were eager to attack the chief of the Pequot, but after a long days marching they opted instead to attack a nearby Pequot fort. This was also after encouragement from the Mohegans, under their equally douchey chief Uncas, who had found some Pequot on the way and decapitated them, showing the heads to Mason. So today Mason surrounds the fort in the dead of night, with his Mohegan and Narragansett allies (the Narragansett weren't all that bad actually, they were like a Native American Andorra, just cold stuck in the middle of all the big guys) and orders volleys to bie fired into the fort. At this point the Pequot awake and start moaning and shouting so pitifully that the English think for a moment that perhaps they should take pity on their opponants. At this point it is noted that they overcame their Christian charity when they remembered that the Pequot had cruelly slain a dude months before on his houseboat. Oh yeah, that dude that the Pequot killed, that kinda caused this war, he was a wife stealing, smuggler/pirate who had been asked to leave the puritans cities because he was a nuisance, but puritans have extremely short memories and extremely long grudges. Mason orders the group of puritans and indians to enter the fort and fight hand to hand, which then forces him to reconsider and instead he declares boldly, "We must burn them!" So Mason promptly lights a torch and sets a bark house on fire, to the complete shock of the Pequot. The fire is picked up by the wond and the whole fort is completely ablaze within thirty minutes. Now the English (who have suffered two casualties during this) block the two exits and proceed to keep the burning Pequot in the fort, stabbing or shooting anyone who came near, including women and children. Within an hour of the initial fighting close to 700 Pequot are dead. The Mohegan and Narragansett look at each other in complete horror at what they were party to, especially the usually chill Narragansett who had emphatically stated at the beginning that should any forts be captured that the women and children must be spared. As for the puritans, you know, the buckle shoe wearing thanksgiving fuckers, here is how they used the bible to explain why they had to burn every mother fucker in sight, including the women kids and babies.

"Should not Christians have more mercy and compassion? No. When a people is grown to such a height of blood and sin against God and man...there He hath no respect to persons, but harrows them and saws them and puts them to the sword and the most terriblest death that may be." as for the kids? The answer being totally! "Sometimes, the scripture declareth women and children must perish with their parents. We had sufficient light from the word of God for our proceedings."

That one siege effectively marked the end of Pequot resistance. Now long after the Mystic Fort Massacre as it is called a statue was erected on the site of John Mason drawing his sword. Thank heavens there were still some Pequot descendants who pointed out that putting up the statue was the equivalent of putting up a "monument at Auschwitz to Heinrich Himmler, architect of the Nazis' Final Solution." Thus the statue was moved to another site, though it was still met with protests for the fact that the man was hardly a hero. If you would like to know more about how terrible, and sometimes terribly humane the puritans were I recommend Sarah Vowell's 'The Wordy Shipmates'.

1647, ten years after the last blood letting, though the intervening years had plenty of blood shed, the puritans execute their first witch in the New World, Alse Young. Seriously guys, stop it.

1805, Napoleon is crowned king of Italy. You know what, I want to build a huge army, more advanced and better supplied than any other army in history and start conquering places, so I can declare myself 'King' of them. "Have you heard, General Trebaol has conquered the Starbucks on Main st. He is holding a coronation and will be declared 'King of Starbucks and Coffee'."

1830, man this is a bad day for Native Americans. So today the Indian Removal Act is passed by Congress and two days from now Andrew "Trail of Tears" Jackson signs it into law.


1868, Andrew Johnson narrowly misses getting impeached by a single vote. The reasons are a little complicated and extremely boring.

1894, Nicholas II becomes the Tzar of All Russia's! Did I neglect to point out he will also be the Last Tzar of All Russia's!

1938, The House Un-American Activities Committee has its first meeting, however they really don't become extremely interesting till the fifties so lets leave them there for now.

1940, The battle of Dunkirk! Or rather the important part of the battle, you know the part where against every possible expectation the British manage ti escape the huge Nazi war machine barreling towards them. Literally fishing boats crossed the channel so they could pick up five guys and take them back to England, while being shelled by 'Jerry'.

1983, a frikkin' 7.7 earthquake strikes Japan, but this time the method of execution is tsunami! 103 people are killed by the mammoth fuckin' wave. screw you plate tectonics!

So there is fuckin' that! History for May 26th!

History! April 24th + Time and Space

Well at least one thing that happened in the past was interesting today. however here's something that has always intrigued me, time and space. You see I love history, and the thought that at a point in time in a certain place something happened where real living people, with lives and plans met and something happened. Naturally then I have an interest in the idea of traveling through time. Now then, that's slightly complicated when I think about it, and it's something I've never really noticed explained or considered in time travel fiction, that thing being your 'place' in time. You see the Earth isn't just spinning around the Sun in space, the whole solar system is also moving and spinning, so where we are now is not where we were a thousand years ago, dig? This creates for me a concern, if you drop me off at a vector in space, at a point in time, wont I be dropped off gasping in the void, even if the Earth is relatively close by even an error of a few miles or minutes could kill me in horrible ways. So then, if you have heard someone speak about this issue please raise your hand, I would love to know the solution.

So, lets get back to the point, History!

1184, the Greeks use the Trojan horse to enter the city of Troy, where they go batshit insane and kill everyone, 'cuz that's how the Greeks roll.

Go get 'em lads.

1558, Mary Queen of Scots marries the Dauphin of France at Notre Dame, afterwards she pleasantly remarks "Man, could life get any better? There is no way I'm getting decapitated the way things are going."

1800 the Library of Congress is founded, John Adams told congress he needed 5,000 dollars to buy all the books Congress could potentially need. After that initial investment was burned in the War of 1812 Thomas Jefferson supplied the replacements, because he pretty much owned every book in North America, not that he found time to read between writing pamphlets and being a dick to his slaves. Now the Library of Congress has millions of books, all at the disposal of our legislative body, in case they need them to understand government, for example I'm certain the epic political tome "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret" is a favorite amongst representatives.

Dashed bad luck that.

1898, Aww shit, President McKinley gets his wish and America declares war on Spain. So today marks the beginning of the Spanish American War, this being like the fourth completely unnecessary American war, right after the War of 1812, the Mexican/American War (However I do like living in California, thank you Polk), the Indian Wars, and of course now this shit. McKinley wanted an excuse to flex Americas muscles and show the world it was hot shit and that everyone needed to be nervous. At the same time Teddy Roosevelt (a rival and major nuisance to McKinley) was all hot and bothered by the prospect of a war that he could be in. So we marched off and beat the ever loving snot out of Spain, a country that hadn't had a good day since the Armada got blown of course in the 17th century. Roosevelt incidentally beat so much ass that America fell in love with him, and to keep him from getting his hands into government McKinley offered him the vice presidency when he ran for re-election. This was of course a brilliant stroke, because vice presidents can't do dick, and they usually fade from the spotlight as a result, that is until you get assassinated by Leon Czolgosz (pronounced Sholgosh).

Oh look at them laugh.

1915, we see the beginning of the Armenian Genocide, which according to earlier ads from Turkey on my home page, never happened. Yeah right Turkey, like I believe you at all.

1916, the Easter uprising begins, wherein Patrick Pearse, James Connolly, and Joseph Plunkett all start gettin' up in the faces of the hated British in Ireland. I recommend you all now go and listen to as many Irish nationalist tunes as you can find.

1918, in the now dwindling World War I we see the first tank to tank combat of the war, when three British Mark IV's ran into three German A7V's...the fight was probably really confusing and boring, here's the contestants...

That just screams Britain doesn't it, like a big 'ole pot of stew, in a pub with a bulldog squattin' in a corner licking his unmentionables.

Well, isn't that just so...efficient? No wonder you lost the war, you built toaster ovens instead of tanks.

1926, the Treaty of Berlin is signed, it says that Germany and Russia wont go to war for five years if a third party starts shit, you know, if the cause of World War I happens all over again, 'cuz everyone just stone jonesin' for a fight. Never mind that the thing you should be really worried about is the crippling economic conditions or the annoying guy shaking his fists and screaming about Jews.

1953, Winston Churchill is knighted by the Queen. Really, not you know, after the war, like the week it ended...'53? What was it even for the war, or did you just give him the knighthood because he gave you a really cool record player as a birthday present. I mean Christ, he's so fuckin' British he owns that pub with the bulldog licking itself. He calls it the Freckled Dick, the pub, not the dog.

1967, Cosmonaut Vladimir Komarov dies on the Soyuz 1 when his parachute doesn't open. This is the first human to die on a space mission. America, insulted that they lost this particular honor in the space race promptly kills all the astronauts in the Apollo 1, with fire, because that's more brutal than just falling to your death, when there's so much pure oxygen in your spaceship that a static shock will blow your ass to kingdom come. Way to go, America number 1.

2005, we got our new shitty Pope, you know the one who looks like Emperor Palpatine.

Feel the power of this fully armed and operational Vatican.

History! March 24th!

Well let me get this out of the way, it's World Tuberculosis Day, so please don't breath on or share any enclosed spaces with me. Now we can get on with the reason we're here, or rather I can continue with what amounts to me plinking away alone in a cave with an electric typewriter, no one hearing my mumbles, or able to read the paper crawling from the machine, as it is too dark.

1603, with Elizabeth I dead England needed a new monarch, fortunately James "Jimmy" Stewart was well informed of the events and was already on his way down to accept his coronation as the first Stewart monarch of England.


Notably it was James I (as his friends and enemies called him) who was one of the targets of that lovable scamp Guy Fawkes.

1765, Britain passes the Quartering Act, a law requiring colonists to house troops. You might remember that this pisses the colonists off so bad that they chuck in a note about it in the 3rd amendment of that document that no longer has any relevance after the last eight years, the Constitution.

1832, Noted jerk Joseph Smith Jr. founder of modern Mormonism, is beaten, tarred and feathered by the good people of Hiram, Ohio. His crime, being Joseph Smith Jr.

1837, Canada beats everyone on the North American continent to the punch by making it legal for black men to vote. Women collectively sigh and are ordered back into the kitchen.

1882, Robert Koch identifies the bacterium responsible for tuberculosis, 127 years later and still no cure. The term consumption falls out of favor.

1944, The great escape occurs at Stalag Luft III, Steve McQueen waits patiently for his film career to start.

1958, Elvis joins the Armed Forces, everyone worries if he'll turn the Cold War "hot".

1989, The Exxon Valdez super tanker runs aground spilling hundreds of thousands of gallons of crude and celebrities into the ocean. The celebrities immediately begin scrubbing penguins in front of cameras.

2003, surprise, surprise, the Arab League votes 21-1 in favor of asking the U.S. to "please leave Iraq". 6 years later they're still waiting for us to return the call.

Theoretically I could do a little thing here about observances or holidays in different countries, however I won't. It's primarily because since I started most of the observances have been in honor of some Saint, or Saints, every...damn...day. Catholicism, you have too many Saints.