History! 4/2/09

May God have mercy on my soul, why do I do this day after day, like Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill, only to have it roll back comically to the beginning. Dear phantom audience I know you are not out there, I know that of the millions of pages on the internet the probability of finding this one is slim to nil, so please if you receive this message in time know that I have no dignity, because I write History!

1513, Ponce de Leon, noted Spanish explorer douche about town steps foot on Florida, the first European to do so.



1804, The HMS Apollo runs afoul of rocks off the coast of Portugal. The Apollo was leading 60 other ships and a slow speed pileup ensued killing many and destroying forty ships altogether. the Cause of the accident was a large cask full of metal on the Apollo that interfered with its compass, as well as the captains terrible addiction of over the counter pain medication.

1863, Richmond erupts in riots as a bread shortage forces women to the streets demanding emergency supplies. Meanwhile their men folk are being shot in the face by Union soldiers. So Jeff Davis, are you happy now?

1865, Jeff and his cronies are forced to flee Virginia as the Union army closes in, a confederate soldier is heard to remark "AGHHH! MY FACE HAS BEEN SHOT!"

1917, Woodrow "Ku Klux Klan" Wilson asks Congress for a declaration of war against Germany, most likely because Teddy Roosevelt wouldn't stop calling demanding America "Get its War on!"

1930, Haile Selassie is crowned Emperor of Ethiopia! This results in the formation of the head shop industry. You have no clue what I'm talking about do you?

Everything after that is kind of meh, maybe I'll care next year. Probably not.